A good dusting and a spoonfull of sugar

There is a story of two siblings that were brought up together. They were raised the same and we are to believe treated the same. Their outcome though was different.

Cain and Able have always interested me, I think mainly because it was their choices that led them to their outcomes. Cain chose to be jealous and angry and kill his brother, he ultimately allowed his thoughts and emotions of feeling that the Father was wrong, mean and subsequently treated him poorly, but certainly his next actions were within his own free will to make things worse. Able on the other hand is different, we know through what it says in the Bible that Able was good and behaved appropriately, and this is what I have been thinking about. Able just got on with it, and God rewarded this favourably to him.

Cain didn't have to do what he did, God did not show favour to Able because the thoughts that Cain had. Miracles can be recieved in any size, shape and form. Miracles can be given to who so ever asks. Anyone can be blessed.

Quite a few thoughts came out of this, the first reminded me of a story. And Yes for all my Donkey reading fans out there it is another donkey story.

The farmer and his donkey would go out to plough the fields each day, whatever the season or the weather. One day the donkey fell into a hole.

The farmer stood and pondered a while as to what he should do. The donkey couldn’t get out under its own steam, the farmer wasn’t strong enough to get him out on his own and the nearest village where he could get help was a good couple of hours walk away.

So the farmer finally and reluctantly decided that the donkey was near enough to the end of his life that he probably wouldn’t last much longer so he might as well just bury him in the hole. He set about the long hard task of shovelling the earth over his shoulder and into the hole. Now the donkey was understandably not at all happy about this stuff landing on and around him and anyway had no intention of dying. So he started moving around, shaking the earth off and gradually tramping it down under him. The farmer, intent on digging and hurling in the earth, didn’t notice.

Some time later the donkey walked out of the hole.

So the moral of the tale: If something’s getting you down, you’re not happy about it and have no intention of accepting it, learn from the old donkey:

Shake it off, put it behind you and get on with life!

So much possibilty is in front of us, so much we are capable of achiving, and when we reflect back on this it seems apparent that we have performed miracles in our darkest moments, often apparent that they are little miracles but miracles none the less.

I had my car taken away from me today.

It is horrible, there has been some confusion with the warrenty on the licening that the disability team from the motability. They had very kindly extended the date for the cars return but the dates being muddled up caused a lot of problems, and now for the next three weeks I do not have a car. (I do have several options available to me that i have been working on) Now, this plus a lot of negativity last week would have normally have sent my depression in to a downward spiral. I would be feeling bad, negative about my health, where I wouldn't be able to get around, sad that I have lost the car and generally having low self esteem. Yet instead I rung around, found out all of my opions available, relied on friends to talk to and help leveate some stress. And I now have several options infront of me without being depressed and spiralling out of control.

I honestly believe that the holes we get into can be avoided, we can act better and avoid some situations, ignore negativity, do not rise to arguments and continue being the good person that you can be. In allowing the devil the little bit of satisfaction of getting you to the ground is difficult to avoid because he is so good at doing it. But I heard a phrase at a Christian conference recently that stated that we should avoid the devil putting the spear into our necks when we are concentrating on everything else around on, as we lay motionless on the ground. This made me think that the bigger things that happen can be avoided.

Stop blaming other people for teh things that are bad that happen and blame yourself for your problems. Just because things are not going right in your life now does not give you the right to blame others. Because things have not gone right before and you are haunted by things in the past shouldn't be anyone else's fault. Stop worrying about the past and concentrate on the future, look forward rather than the problems behind you. Look up (to God) rather than allowing the devil to keep you focused motionless on the ground. God will hold His hand out to help you, He will strengthen you in all of His ways but He will not do it for us, because we have the free will choice. Just because life is hard shouldn't mean we should sit and wait for a mirale. We need to get up dust off and climb out of the hole.

Keep the thought "I can do what I can do"

David had 5 smooth stones but killed a giant. Moses didn't think he could do the things God asked out off him. Trust that God will help you and when you wiggle and dust yourself off God is with you helping you make a bit of progress. The reality of living our lives can be hard, very hard, but sometimes we need to act like Able and get on with it, see the miracles unfold, be aware of the bad that is around us but continue for God, because in that case God will still provide and give us a helping hand. Sitting and waiting for the miracles to happen in front of you or waiting for God to do teh task for us is never going to happen. As the saying goes "A watched Kettle doesn't boil" If you want to heat water until it boils, then you watch it while you wait, then it seems to take a very long time. In the same way, anything that we wait for with eager attention seems to take a very long time: like waiting for someone to arrive, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for a letter to come. This Miracle watching reminds me of the scene from Mary Poppins when the children tidy the nursery, The boy Micheal sees Mary and his Sister Jane perfom the magic and he tries and tries again to do it himself but once everything is busy around him he is slightly distracted and then he just gets on with it.

Sometimes we can get into terrible situations in life, sometimes we can be angry about them, but try and not let the devil allow you to concentrate to much on them. Get up, wiggle, dust yourself off and climb out of the hole. Click your fingers and pray to God and instead of waiting or getting tied up with His answering of your prayer get on with your life and do good.  More importantly Miracles can be given to who so ever asks. Anyone can be blessed.

Who is taking you for a ride?

"Any one can hold the helm when the sea is calm."

Publilius Syrus

Being in control over a situation is always easy when you know things are safe and carefree. I hear so many stories from people who tell me that life got hard when they least expected it. I have always felt that was a silly thing to say because you are never expecting it.

This got me thing that sometimes maybe you are.

When you know bad things are going to happen in a situation, however horrible that situation then seems, is sometimes easier to cope with, you can almost control what is coming head on. But the moment you stop taking control of life and let go of what is steering you, because you think that everything will be good, you are more likely to steer in to trouble. You need to have a clear focus on who is guiding you, and then when the trouble or burdens come your way you have an emergency back up to help you out.

When I was a child I use to really enjoy going to the seaside with my mum and dad. It was such a lovely event, as long as there was good weather in the sky there was something I use to really enjoy seeing, and when I was really young (and well-behaved) something that I really would enjoy doing, going on the seaside Donkey ride!

It sounds strange to people who are not use to this custom, but going to a British Sandy Beach in the height of summer and seeing a Donkey/Donkeys on the beach, letting the children ride them up and down, was sheer excitement for me. You would usually see 6 to 8 donkeys lined up in a row on the beach and depending on the type of people running the event you would have a variety of Donkeys, each possibly with a specific, yet funny name, and some dressed up or even wearing hats.

This has been a British tradition since Victorian time, with a recorded start in 1790 at Margate, in Kent, although I am sure it was going on before then. This seaside event has become less popular over the years, I would assume mainly because of the cruelty aspect of using animals in this way. However you can still find these events at more popular seaside resorts. You would queue up, along the "carpet" track, looking for the most brightly coloured donkey, or the donkey with the best name (The names were clearly on show, they would usually be put across the saddle and then highlighted on the donkey's harness and reigns.

But now as an adult I see the whole thing slightly differently. When you think about it, this little adventure for the children puts the adults in a strange position. The Donkey, although apparently a docile creature, is still an animal and all animals are spontaneous, with anything able to happen at any moment. So realistically we are putting a child, our child, aged below 8 (usually) on the back of this animal is rather careless. Especially when you consider the height that the child could fall from. But come on, I must be ridiculous and completely overreacting here, realistically it should be OK, when we then see two things in front of us.


1: The Donkey has reigns on, so we must assume that there is a certain amount of control over the animal.


2: That the Donkey is controlled by the person who is walking a long side them. So again, we must assume that it is safe for our children to ride as there is control over the situation.


But could the Donkey still lose control?

Yes, of course it could, the Donkey could kick or run. Especially when you see the previous points differently, when you look at the reigns that the Donkey has on, if it was completely safe and controlled then you wouldn't need the reigns, but the real truth is that it is still an unpredictable animal.


But the next important thing is the person, the Donkey guide, we don't know these people, these people are complete strangers, yet we are happy to pass these people our child, to man handle.

When we send children to school we, as a society, are completely obsessed with what is best for our children, what is the best and safest! We become obsessed with Ofsted reports and qualifications of staff. When our child becomes sick, automatically Doctors have to be the best in the country to even be considered to look after your children. Yet when it comes to Donkey rides at the beach, we are happy to allow complete strangers to look after our young child. We allow them to pick up and put our Child on to a Donkey, without even checking if they are C.R.B checked, or have childcare regulations, are they first aid trained? Are the animals checked and treated by the R.S.P.C.A? But yet they go and walk the Donkey up and down the beach with a child, our child, sat on a flimsy but incredibly colourful saddle.


Now, as a parent I am in two minds, I would love my two boys, when they are older, to go on to the beach and ride a Donkey up and down it. It is fun and exciting for the first few times that you do it. Yet, my children are also my most precious and valuable items that I “posses”. I would die for them without any hesitation. So when my two boys go to the beach and go for their Donkey ride I will be looking at the two points raised earlier, the Donkey and the Donkey guide. The Donkey is carrying the most precious thing in the world to me, but is also carrying the weight of my son and the saddle that is on its back. (One of hundreds I am sure the Donkey has or would have done that summer)

The weight must be a burden.

Then the Guide now has taken that burden of responsibility. That is a lot of responsibility, but is so easily given over. But in reality, we as humans do this time and time again.


But when we look at the Donkey, it always looks very sweet and nice. We never really hear any stories of Donkeys attacking children. And at times I have even seen Donkeys wearing cute little hats (which I am pretty sure is probably against the law now) saying "Kiss me quick" or some other seaside slogan. So we look on at these animals and at this stranger and look around and are drawn in to the world of Donkey rides, with Donkeys that look trust worthy because they are wearing a hat!

Sadly, we are often the Donkeys in this scenario, mainly due to the fact that we are carrying these very heavy burdens. We are so use to carrying something that is precious to us, however irrelevant they might be to others, of which the precious load; the load that we want to protect is sometimes the heaviest. We as a society find it easy to pile on more precious items for others to carry. We are plodding along with our normal burdens, our normal loads, continuing with our normal lives our normal jobs, which is never easy. It isn't like we were designed to carry extra jobs, loads and burdens to carry and then for us to comfortably walk on hot sand. But alas, we still do it, we dress ourselves up, sometimes sparkle, pushing our pride out, with our pride on show, our name on show. But only because it is who we are, and what is expected from us, however hard we carry on plodding along.

But it is hard, so we need a good Donkey guide, someone reliable, even if they appear to be complete strangers to the on lookers. In reality the Donkey knows the guide. The guide would have handled, fed, groomed and cared deeply for these animals (even if the only reason for doing so was just so they could make money from them, but none the less they are cared for) So, for the donkey, however much it is expected from him, and us, the truth for him should be that the people queuing up to "burden" him more are probably the strangers, putting even more precious items on them to carry.

So, if you are buying this analogy and are following with what I have been saying the question then to be raised is, if you are you Donkey, who is your Guide?

This is such an important role, because they wont just care and look after you in the winter months when things seem easier, they will also be on the beach, in the hot weather helping you walk, whilst they hold on to your reigns.

Ideally I would say allow God to be your guide, let Him get a firm grip on your reigns, but the truth is that He already is.

We all know the lovely footprints in the sand poem but if you don't, I will briefly outline it here, but I would recommend you actually find it and read it: A person has been promised that if he follows God, God will always walk with Him. He is walking on sand and occasionally there are two sets of foot prints, and at other times there is only one pair. The person questions it to God, accusing Him of leaving him, but God points out that He was actually carrying the person in that time and is why there is only one set of footprints. This would help me think that God is the person that has a good grip on your reigns, who is always your guide, even when you think otherwise.

But we sometimes break free.

The problem comes though when you end up being burdened by others, and they start to guide your actions and choices, because you are carrying something that although might be irrelevant to you, it is also precious to them. So these people take charge, you allowing them to take control stops your guide, when it should be God. This is really the concept of giving authority. We should at all times acknowledge that God and Jesus are Authority over all, but the moment you let someone else take charge you are then allowing them to have Authority over you.

In a few of the Gospels we see that Jesus restores a demon possessed man. This shows ideally the concept of allowing others to take over our lives.

Taken from Mark 5 we see that Jesus got out of a boat with his disciples following him, a man at the time called Legion was possessed with an evil Spirit or Demon. Legion came running from the tombs and “prison” where he was kept to meet him. No one in the neighbouring village could help him and stop Legion from doing horrendous things, not even when they tried to bind him with a chain. No one was strong enough to subdue him. When he saw Jesus from a distance, Legion fell to his knees in front of him. He started to shout at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” When Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”

This next point I find really interesting, Legion begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area. Jesus, taking pity cast them into some neighbouring pigs, but ultimately Jesus gave them permission, then Legion came out and went into the pigs.

The man that was possessed had someone else taking control of his actions, to the point that Legion became powerful, we see this in the way that the neighbouring villagers could subdue or control him and even then they ultimately buckled and allowed him to live on the outskirts, chained very poorly. The possessed mans authority was no longer in God; the Demon was currently guiding his actions. God seemingly was no longer in control. But what we do see is that the authority is always left with Jesus. Legion recognised this, recognised the power that was within him, why else would he have begged the way he did.

And then the most important part, Jesus cast him out with HIS permission.

Showing that His authority is the highest and actually however much something else takes control he is the person who is guiding you.

So think about the winter months in your life, when you are not carrying others burdens. Who is feeding, grooming, giving you somewhere to sleep and comes and sees you everyday? Ultimately remember that this person is standing there with Authority to guide you correctly.

So next time you are at the beach and you see donkeys lined up or walking up and down the beach think. Even, if you are lucky enough to be the parent holding the reigns of the donkey that your child is riding, the Stranger that is standing a few feet from you, walking with you, is also walking with their precious load.

To start an adventure, you need perseverance

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

Thomas Edison

Perseverance and persistence is always easier said than done and then when you do persevere, often to others confusion, you are more than likely to be called stubborn. Yet perseverance in spite of all obstacles, difficulties and all types of discouragements, however impossible it may seem, is what distinguishes the strong from the weak.

Nearly every man, woman and child who thinks of an idea and then works at it until they get up to the point where it looks impossible, will start to feel discouraged and want to stop. When in reality that is not the place to get down heartened and stop, if anything that is the place when you need to take a deep breath and carry on. Yet again, this is always easier said than done, so it is on these times when you ask for help, use the most reliable person to help you, ask God, with His help, to persevere should be easy.

For a while I have been thinking about writing this, I have had so many ideas and thoughts that have run through my mind, but I have been scared to formulate them.

I have always been the type of person that doesn't like failure, but then who does? But to fail for me is often to get a knife and to be stabbed, to be gutted, OK, maybe a little dramatic, but it hurts and it is always difficult for me to ever let go of it once I have failed. It doesn't take me that long to be thinking negative things, putting myself down and then entering a spiral of self hate, and hate of others. But I don't want to be that way. I want to be better, I want to be more Christ like, and most importantly I want to fight.

The difficulty we face is that failure is usually set in our minds early on in the task. We find it far easir to want to give up than persevere, I would assume because to perserve is to stand firm and work harder. If you are anything like me though the thoughts of giving up enter my mind quicker then the resolution to persist. I find it easier to hold on to the negative things people say to me or about me, rather than the good. So why on earth am I meditating on the bad rather than the good?

Yet with me the thought of failure captures me so easily. Even when I pray and ask God for help when I realise that I am thinking negatively (Most of the time I don't realise it until I'm deeper into the thoughts, thinking of anger, sadness even at times revenge) To save myself from this hurt I tend to only enter into activities, talks, discussions where I know or assume to know about the topic. Although many may see this as arrogance, my way of thinking is, if I know the topics then I have less chance of being wrong. Very egotistical I know, but actually all I am doing is safeguarding myself against being hurt by the embarrassment and then by the hurtful negativity my brain starts to think up.

So for me to start writing this was a challenge because I needed to cross a threshold that I was scared of crossing, an area where I could be setting myself up for failure.

The thought for this book came to me about two years ago when I was writing a post for my blog, (Which has eventually been turned and edited into one of the chapters) The concept of the Donkey started to fascinate me, and although I haven't done this mad study for all relevant Donkey related items in the last two years, God has shown me so much more, lots of which has helped me have a back ground knowledge, at least for me some very thought provoking points.

I think the hardest battle with this in general is the concept of a Donkey (especially when they are not even an animal I particularly think of when I think of an animal that I like)

But in some ways this whole project is exactly a Donkey.

One of my first thoughts of Donkeys is Eeyore, from A. A. Milne's stories of Winnie the Pooh.

Poor Eeyore, he has such a hard time, and things just never seem to go well for him. For those unaccustomed to Eeyore he is usually characterised as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, old, grey stuffed donkey who is a friend of the title character, Winnie the Pooh. When something bad happens in the Hundred Acre Woods you can usually bet that poor Eeyore is in the middle of it, looking sad and gloomy.( Apart from my own personal connections to Eeyore, I feel that this writing had been a bit like his existence.) The saddest thing of all though is where he lives, in the darkest, gloomiest and possibly the dirstiest part of A Hundred Ache Wood; The boggy swamp land. Amusingly to the Wnnie the Pooh francise we even read on the given map of A hundred Ache wood the reference for Eeyores house as "Eeyore's gloomy place, rather boggy and sad",

No wonder with all of this going on, that poor old Eeyore is gloomy and depressed and constantly having to build and rebuild his home made of sticks, if this is where he lives!

It is really easy to start something and not finish it, and it is usually the things that take the smallest of time or ease that becomes the most difficult. I am horrible at this. I personally hate the little things because they become the big things, just as I mentioned above a small negative thought for me can easily balloon into a large negative obsession rather than a good positive action or thought for God.

Even in everyday life it is the small things.

I wish I had a dish washer; it would make my life a lot easier. If the truth be told, what is a 2 minute activity turns into a 15 minute activity. Only on the pretence that I have made myself some toast and a cup of coffee, so that is, in washing up terms, a small plate, a cup, spoon and a knife (as I stated a 2 minute washing up task) Oh no, the thoughts that run through my mind are "well it wont take me long I'll put it on the side and do it later" then without me noticing the washing up acquired has multiplied! Then becoming a horrible chore!

Life can easily turn out of control and it is because of that, that we tend not to finish the things that we start. But I think Eeyore actually has the right frame of mind, Eeyore in truth is a prime example of many people in the world today. Apparently sad, gloomy, a little bit stuffed, but plodding a long to complete whatever task they are doing.

Allowing circumstances to take control of our lives and letting simple things quickly run away with us reminded me of the story of David. The David from the Bible that most people will recognise as the boy that defeated Goliath, or as the man that became King. At the time teh current king, King Saul was so annoyed with the Glory and attention that David seemed to be receiving that he tried many ways to get to him, to kill him, or even for him to be expelled from the city. He tried to kill David 6 times, David the Hero, was no longer a hero, he was now a fugitive and because of this his life quickly span out of control.

David soon gets the message and he kisses his wife goodbye and runs off. He didn’t dare run to his family for support, with the fear that they too might be hunted and killed. He really couldn’t seek refuge and hide within another city, as again being known as the great defender of King Saul and his people, he has more than likely got a price on his head and would be hated and even hunted there. He wondered and eventually he came a cross a church where he met a priest called Achimelech. The priests at this church would save their bread as an offering, set out for every Sabbath and a week later they would eat the bread. David, our hero, goes against his previous character and deceives Achimelech to get this sacred bread, stating that it was Royal command! Why lie? Why has our hero who clearly understood Gods love and power, suddenly turning against what he knew was right and right for God?

Sheer desperation has sunk in. He needs somewhere for sanctuary; he needs a place to eat.

David thought he wouldn't be under God's protection and he would die. The man that refused King Saul's armour to fight Goliath now picks up Goliath's sword from a priest. With the faith that David had, he fought and survived ten of thousands of battles, killing tens of thousands of men.

What could make us so desperate to lose focus?

I came to the conclusion that there is quite often so much pressure we have on this life that we fall under it. I know the pressure of trying to afford to live, trying to do the right thing, trying to be a parent and look after others. This is the pressure that makes us so desperate; this is the pressure that makes some people lie, cheat and steal. But, we need to remember that even at the darkest moments, God is our focus, turn to Him and ask for His help. David stumbled, but David stumbled into God. God provides us with nourishment and equips us to cope in life.

In Davids case he eventually escaped to the cave of Adullam. Where his brothers and his father's household heard about it and on this news they went down to him there.

Even with the events that happened here David’s family, with their love, persevered and went to him; this would have been at great risk and betrayal to King Saul.

More importantly so did God.

He never gave up on David; he persevered, knowing that David would be great for his people. God sent men, who were seen as criminals by King Saul to David, where eventually he mounted an army of around 600 men and eventually they fought back.

Even when things are the most difficult and you feel that life is falling down around you and out of control, persevere. Others around you are persevering for you, even if you are aware of it or not. God is persevering for you, constantly wanting the best for you.

One of my all time favourite verses of scripture is from Philippians 4 verse 5.

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

This verse, plus the story of David, reminds me to be a Donkey and in this back to the case of Eeyore, possibly seen as the most docile and gentle characters in the stories.

In most of the Winnie the Pooh adventures, Eeyore's house is always falling down. His house is very poorly made out of a few sticks. (I think if anything it is a very poorly made shelter, often with massive gaps throughout.) The important thing is that he doesn't give up, even to rebuild his stick house in the rather boggy and sad looking corner of Hundred Acre Woods. Donkeys have a notorious reputation for stubbornness, and I often think that if anyone ever tried to help Eeyore move into a nice warm brick house, he would stubbornly stand their and carry on building his stick shelter. Most think that the stubbornness has been attributed to a much stronger sense of "self preservation" than exhibited by horses; therefore it is more difficult to force or frighten a donkey into doing something it perceives to be dangerous for whatever reason. Yet I think the case of Eeyore is different here, I don't see it as being stubborn (of which I think is probably a poor illustration of Donkeys) but more a sense of perseverance. He is standing there in the darkest moments, darkest parts of the woods, feeling worn down, depressed and gloomy, yet what does he do? He bends down in all of the distraction around him and his life and picks up the fallen sticks and rebuilds his stick house. Eeyore is not allowng his surroundings to destroy the one thing has has left, he has faith to rebuild, even is at times he thinks it is a losing battle.

It is the principle behind the actions; he is not stubbornly rebuilding to prove a point. Eeyore has found a place that reflects who he is, and because of that he is persevering to survive there in his means.

However difficult things should get, I think we need to think about Eeyore and David, try to persevere through to finish what we have started, even when it is difficult and looks like stubbornness. If it was something worth doing then God will be there every step of the way supporting you in whatever it is. So hold on and pick up that next stick, even when your last attempt has fallen down, as it should never be seen as failure. Try and see it as it is written in the book of James. “As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."

What are you doing, that reflects you? That reflects God? That you should honestly be thinking I need to pick up that next stick and carry on whatever.

Going in Depths to find a Panther

I sit every day and ponder so much.

I really try to find ways for me to escape myself.

People are such funny creatures, I sometimes get so easily aggravated by them that half the time I spend thinking I am concerned and angry at them for their own oblivious thoughts and actions.

I know who I am, I honestly can say that I do, there are many levels and layers to me, I put up many guards and barriers for a number of reasons yet I still know who I am.

Do you?

Many people if they were being honest would say no, they don't, probably wouldn't know where to start, that doesn't mean that they are unsure of their current life path, or that they are constantly battling with the concept within themselves, they could quite happily be living their lives, with things that make them happy, but this could still leave them to be undecided and unsure of who they truly are. Yet ultimately living in the now, the moment.

People often assume so much when it comes to me, assume that because I act a certain way, talk a certain way, my walking, my health my faith and my religion that they can make such big assumptions. They think that it is right that they should act and treat me a certain way. Why do we do this? Why don't we just sit and learn about the person that is in front of us rather than being a society that relies on first impressions, which ultimately annoy us and to top it off we are brought up against such things with phrases such as "Don't judge a book by its cover".

I know I have harped on so many times about knowing people that are in front of you, I know that I talk about the one to one relationships, but I know for me that these relationships are what keep me alive, literally sometimes. Do we assume that we know a famous artist because we have stared at his painting for half an hour, or do we admire the work that has been set before us, only hoping for a brief glance at a moment in this artists life.

I hear the sentence "I can never imagine what you go through with your health Martyn" an awful lot, yet this sentence will often follow with " But I have a....." and I will find that there is a related story, aliment, illness that this person is trying to help build a connective bridge to me with. I love that they do this, they are trying, trying to build an opening to me, to share, but at exactly the same time this sentence gets my back straight up and defencive, I would love to scream at times "NO! No you can never imagine what it is like", but I don't, I sit and smile at the attempt at relating. But is that right? I wonder what other scenarios would play out like, a man and women; man " yeah I understand what childbirth is like, I once had this splinter that had to be extracted!" How would that be taken? Or to a member of a different race: "I once went to school with someone like you and they were really funny because.." Would that go down well? We don't do this because it is wrong. We shouldn't list a mountain of reasons to find a connective rather than actually create one itself by learning about the person not by just assuming you know them. Bea blank page,and just talk and learn.

No one can really tell me what my life is like, what makes me so openly depressed and suicidal, or what makes my so happy and excited, because of the truth be known no one apart from me and God truly knows who I am. People have come close, some know the next words, thoughts and actions and enjoy the intense relationship that truly knowing a person can be like. Some people will truly love me and see the strength inside me and want to attach themselves to it, making the relationship so strong but in the balance so vulnerable to the opposing person. It is people like this that I try and strive to have in my life, people who I would go to the depths of hell for and they would do the same, your personal saints and angels always looking after you.

If you want to know me ask, but the truth is I can tell you right now. I am trapped within myself, trapped within a body that doesn't work, however much I pick myself up and dust myself off and get "on" with life. My mind being frustrated at the continual loss that I suffer.

People who know loss, who have lost someone will know the feeling, the incapable feeling that they can't seem to do what they want because for some strange moment they seem restricted because of a thought, trapped within loss. And the people who don't know this feeling, it isn't your fault because it only occurs when you realise that you love something more than you love yourself. I love the fact that God gave me life, I love my boys and the life that I have with them. But yet I sit everyday fighting the battle where some ground of mine is lost, mentally or physically.

People may look at me and see a confident disabled man, who gets on with his life, who greets you with a smile, who laughs and makes light of the things in his life. Who will run around for everyone else, trying to make them realise that he is "normal" and making them realise that they are loved. When in truth, I feel trapped and scared, childlike and incredibly lonely. Yet people who do see this side, suddenly become scared and confused themselves and this is where the above mentioned vulnerability comes in. It is an horrendous feeling, because this person is a person with a certain amount of connective love and power over and for you. This is a person who looks directly at you and can rip your entire world apart. It can be hard to cope with that responsibility. But I am willing to take that risk, for someone, for lots to come in and take that risk with me. I always feel that my life is like the poem by Rainer M. Rilke, The Panther. Caught and trapped, a daily battle and only ever having people come in and out of my life, some that touch my heart, but often when they do they are then gone:

His vision, from the constantly passing bars,
has grown so weary that it cannot hold
anything else. It seems to him there are
a thousand bars; and behind the bars, no world.

As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,
the movement of his powerful soft strides
is like a ritual dance around a center
in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.

Only at times, the curtain of the pupils
lifts, quietly--. An image enters in,
rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles,
plunges into the heart and is gone.

How many others feel like I feel? Either let yourself open up or try and build the close relationship and bond with the people around you. Don't become a  fleeting image that touches someones heart and is later gone. Help maintain your friends.

Would you wipe my feet?

I have had a strange few weeks, but I have been really grateful the people around me, my friends and my family.

I was sitting in church this morning and listening to a talk which was combined with Mothering Sunday and the story of Mary washing Jesus' feet with perfume.

How strange this concept now would be.

I struggle thinking of this scene. Jesus at this point was "collecting" a following, this was one of the reasons why Jesus knew of Mary, Martha and Lazarus, as we only see earlier in the book that he raised Lazarus from the dead. This family would obviously have been thankful and would have felt that they owed something to Jesus.

A few things stand out for me: First of all we read in John 12:1-8 that Lazarus, the man who was saved by Jesus is actually reclining at the table relaxing with Jesus disciples. Secondly, it was these women that asked, witnessed and then thanked Jesus for the kindness of raising Lazarus, this would have formed a greater boned, a greater understanding and a greater love towards Jesus.

It is amazing that this looks at the one to one relationship, it must have been strong for Mary to feel that she could exhibit that closeness through her actions. Would you comfortably wash someones feet? In your saved funeral perfume, that would help "cleanse" your body? something that would cost a years salary, as Judas kindly points out, would you after such a giving bend down and wipe someones feet?

I only struggle with this because this is such a loving gesture that is coupled quite happily with trust that it makes me question if 1: Would I do this for someone? 2: would someone do this for me?

This clearly would have been a BIG thing for them to do so how often do we just think about the little things that could cheer someones day up? Sometimes for me it is the smallest moments of interaction that shows that I have been in someones thoughts, or even at that very moment that they are concentrating on just being so welcoming around others.

Have you ever seen that person at a party, or even in a crowd, that when they are there, it is a "HERE I AM" type of person? or How often do you start telling the person in front of you a story about something that has happened to you, to then hear the person to jump in the middle of your conversation and go " Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about, this one time with me" Your friend has a story that relates to yours and the topic of your event suddenly gets dropped and is now focused on the event of your friends! We have all been in that scenario, we have all probably been that friend. I know I do it, I do it all the time! I hate when I catch myself doing it too! Does it bother you as much as it bothers me?

Of course it does, we are a society where we are now finding it more and more uncomfortable to talk to others and to relate to them. We are brought up to find mutual ground, to find some connective with the person in front of us to put us to ease in this on going distant techno - relationships world.

Facebook, however great it is, is not helping us truly step forward to the oncoming years for Evangelism. Lets have a look at the stories in the Bible: every one of key significance was a gathering. When Jesus appeared to the disciples on the beach, where they sat around a fire and ate fish, what would be the relevance of that now? Jesus signed on to Facebook, where he put twelve of his friends under chat and said 'hi guys I am back!'? Or that he created a social event called 'fish supper at the sea'?

I know this is just an extreme way of looking at it, but I always found that the beauty of Jesus and the twelve disciples was the fact that they sat and spoke to one another, they had that personal relationship, and it was this relationship that inspired others to follow. I can just imagine the disciples going off to tell the world of their friend, and the love that is in their eyes for that relationship.

I know I have told this story before but fell over at home once (it was horrible): I had gotten up really well and was planning on going into the kitchen to get a drink. But my legs twitched and I buckled over, tried to support myself with my arms, which also twitched and then headbutted the floor. Laying there with my arms trapped underneath me, not being able to move, I saw out of the corner of my eye my phone on the arm of the chair. That will be the point of my rescue. If I lay here long enough I can rest, pray to the Lord for recovery, and he will bring me peace in that time, and then when ready I could try to get my phone and call for help. Although the next thing to happen, happened with no contact at all, no technology. My brother randomly walks around to the back door, lets himself in, which from this point of view must have been a very strange thing as he see me laying locked on the floor. He grabs under my arms and by my belt, flings me up in the air to standing, calls me a fat so-and-so and then says 'sorry, I was just down the road working and I needed the loo' at which he runs up stairs to the toilet. He then comes down, shouts bye and off he went back to work.

No questioning-no worry. He had that relationship with me that he didn't call first to check that it was ok, he just knew he could let himself into my house and go to the toilet.

The more and more I thought about this, the more I realised that not only was God present right there in that moment, but that it wasn't the technology that helped. It was Him. I have been told over and over that Facebook has allowed relationships to regrow by connecting people over distances, but isn't this techno relationship a poor substitute for their actual company? A picture of your sisters newborn the same as holding them for the first time? If i had my phone it would have probably been my brother that I had rung, but the feeling between us wouldn't have been the same-the nature of phones being what they are, it would have been punctuated with small talk, but our relationship is so much deeper than that.

I was very lucky and blessed that day because of the specific relationship I have with my brother. Was that relationship created through us being facebook friends? Or because we shared a bedroom and played together for most of the childhood, we lived, played, ate and laughed together? The same way Jesus did with his disciples and the life that they had with each other.

I am not saying cut the technology out either, I am well aware that this technology is here to aid us. If it means people can read the bible on the move, or connect with long lost relatives from around the world at a cheaper more accessible way. Then great.

In that social interaction choose who you want to be with them. Choose how you want to treat this person that is in front of you. Encourage them.

Encouragement of doing something right . This is the best way to attack and fight back against the attack of accusation and temptation, especially in the time of Lent for those who took it, but also in life in general, where we get so much just thrown in our direction. Christian or not, how often do you see a smile come on to people's faces when you encourage them and say something nice to them. You often here that if you say good morning or smile at someone first thing in the morning that they continue to smile or are polite to others throughout the day. Spreading the love. At what cost was it to you that you encouraged someone, saying something nice doesn't cost you a thing, and you never know that you saying a word of encouragement might tip the internal war and fight that the person is going through.

Jesus would have been a wonderful guest, fully present and 100% into that one person, the individual in front of him. He would have asked him the question " Tell me more" and as Jesus would, He would have seen him, like he saw him up the tree.

How often have you allowed someone to talk about something you have enquired about, they often feel happy and will have a smile on there face. Tell me more.

God is interested in all of us, all of us on an individual level, we too should be this interested in others, be open to all because God is in all of us and He loves us all. Show the world this and ask the question and make a statement. Tell me more.
So finally, encourage your friends, show them love, be willing to wipe their feet, and instead of being a person who keeps the conversation on to themselves, try to be a "There you are" person and ask a simple question when talking with a friend....."Tell me more!" I still stand by my statement from last year and say that these three words could change the world.

If I wereGod, I'd end all the Pain

I am currently half way through a very thought provoking book and I thought that I would share some of the things that I have read so far. In some places I agree and some I disagree, yet if I am completely honest there are sections that I haven't made my mind up with.

The Book is called "If I were God, I'd end all the Pain" by John Dickson

The first few chapters try to explain why the author has some views on this topic, explaining his personal experiences, where his father died in a plane crash when he was young.

This was a very interesting start, one that I was hopeful with, yet he immediately distracts from this and enters into the topic of coping strategies that other religions may consider using when dealing with suffering, it is some of these points that I wish to discuss. In general these chapters that I have read are quite a difficult read, not from a literately point of view but from the fact that the author is asking some deep, difficult and uncomfortable questions.

The most difficult concept being the argument that a God who allows sickness, suffering and death is not a God worth worshipping, or that He is a weak God, unable to control His chaotic world.

I have come across this main argument before, if I am honest I use to argue it!

There is usually 2 main logical assumptions.

1: That God is an all powerful God who CAN end suffering and therefore being all loving would also desire to end it. So logic would permit that if God is an all powerful and all loving God that wants us not to suffer, then there mustn't be a God because we are a world that suffers.

2: An all powerful God exist, an all loving God exists (the same premise as before) Yet in this option, God, must have a more loving reason to allow the suffering.

As a Christian the above points and assumptions are difficult to swallow, and at times difficult to answer. Mainly with the question being raised "Why would God allow it?"

I do not and will not ever believe that we are being punished and that is a result of a parent scolding a child, I just cannot believe that a God who sent His son to die for us so we can have a better life, would be like that. Why send Jesus in the first place if He wants to punish us?

The Book investigates the concept as suffering as balance, in basic terms, how most people see Karma, one counter reaction balances out another way.

If, for example, a person broke up a family home, then they would start having an existence of suffering then one could assume that the suffering has balanced out. (Almost a revengeful way) This too I find difficult, Why would that be necessary when we have a God who forgives? However, according to this book, this is a concept that is difficult to intellectually disprove. The author states:

"If i were to accept my suffering is divinely sanctioned balance for my wrongs, is it possible to find consolation in my pain? At one level, comfort may be found in thought that some of my prior sins have been balanced out, and therefore one experience of deserved suffering is out of the way."

I find this above statement incredibly disturbing. I can not see rationally why people can see this as a valid argument?! Especially when you consider my health problems, does that therefore mean that I am suffering because of my prior wrongs? I find that difficult only because I was born with this illness, and I was under the impression that we were generally born "clean" (I will clarify this statement of clean later). Can this also answer why a mother is suffering at the loss of a death of a child? mmmm....I doubt it.

This above point was one that I read, disagreed with strongly and found it then difficult to carry on reading. How do you feel about it?

The next point that really got me thinking is this, Desire.

Desire for something is such a strong emotion that it is usually attached to other emotions; Love and desire, hate and desire (for revenge) grief and desire (to see you loved one again) Sadness and desire (for improvement).

This concept of desire is described in the book as a concept considered by other religions for their suffering. So again with the understanding of someone, like myself, being sick that I have a desire to run etc and this desire for a better existence therefore is a double edged sword often as a reminder of what you or I can not do. This then results in a person that could believe because of a negative thoughts of desire that they are suffering.

This concept has never occurred to me but has had me thinking for a few days now. This would also "fill" in the previous "controversial" statement written above.

A women who is tragically grieving over the loss of her child is only doing so because they have a desire to be reunited with that child and therefore is being reminded of their loss and is currently suffering. It is still a difficult concept to take in though!

However, when I think about it, it does make sense. When I was at University there was a Girl in a motorised wheelchair who use to run people over, especially when she was drunk. She hated her life, her situation and was often moaning or upset. She felt she was suffering. She had the same illness as myself, yet a different strand, so the onset was earlier for her. Many people use to question why I wasn't acting the same as her, even now 12 years on and a deterioration of my illness I still get asked that question. Why am I not bitter about it? Well I am a little bit, but I have been given a hand that I was dealt with, I better see how far I can get in the game with it. That has 95% of the time been my attitude, and I definitely do not feel like I suffer!

So is the desire less for me here, and therefore I don't think I suffer in this way?

This reminded me of the different types of sin that exists.

1: Original Sin, created with Adam and Eve breaking the trust with God.

2: Our own active free will allowing us to make sinful decisions.

3: Indirect sin, Sin that someone else commits that has indirectly affected you. (For example a drink driver is committing the sin here, but their actions could result in someone being injured)

Could then Suffering be deemed in the the same way?:

1:Suffering that has existed for generations, like genetic illnesses that get passed along.

2: Our own suffering where desire plays a part to remind us that we are suffering in reflection of what we are missing.

3: Unexplained suffering, almost original suffering like original sin.

I suppose this book so far has explored and tried to cover the concepts of options 1 and 2, but with the opening chapter raising the point that I mentioned at the top, could original suffering be in place if God loved us? I don't have the answers, but have many a view point that I believe keeps me going from day to day.

Anyway, that is probably enough to get you thinking!

Really would appreciate your views on this, so please either leave a comment here or on the social network page that you may have read this from!

40 a day!

I heard the sentence this morning "40 a day is a shocking statistic"

The first thing that came to mind was smoking for me. My Dad smokes 30 a day, when I smoked (before I gave up) I would have smoked 15-20 a day. So to hear 40 a day, it just seemed a statistic for the average smoker, nowadays, which however sad, wasn't something that I was overly concerned with, I just assumed it was something in this current climate.


But before I turned over the channel the rest of the sentence saddened me even more so.


"I am in complete shock that 40 children a day are voluntarily given in to care in the UK."


This was even more of a shock, something that hit a personal place in my heart.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7843200.stm

This link shows a news report that suggests that 40 children a day are voluntarily put into care. In the report it looks upon the statistic that realistically the increase is due to the amount of troubled and uncontrollable teens.

However the statistic is spun for the reader I still found this a shocking amount and on a personal level it really rattled a few emotions up that I had buried.

At the age of 4 months I was put in to care and voluntarily given up. I stayed in care for a year and then although was replaced into a new family of care, after a few months this family eventually became my adoptive parents.

My circumstances I am sure are common for many that are put up into care, but it still was a sad situation.

My birth mother, unmarried, was dating my birth father, but on the soon arrival of me she was in the act of "relations" with another man, this act, although owned up to, was the reason why my late teenage parents separated. My mother ended up being in a relationship with another man, whose family is often then entangled up later on in the family and siblings web of history!

This new partner, although friends with my father, had abused me several times, with my mother often walking to his or back home at silly hours in the morning with me not dressed, the police and social services soon got involved. Putting her in a protected home for young mothers, we would assume that she would have got the support to care for me the way she should, but alas, she continued to see and choose her new partner over me, with him not wanting anything to do with another mans child, I was soon abandoned at the mothers home and voluntarily put into care.

From reading social reports and a variety of adoptive records of that time regarding my adoption, i can see that it was the best choice, she was mentally unprepared to be a mother, and although many people say that the natural instinct to be a parent comes, for her it didn't. These are always sad circumstances, of which I can see that the best outcome has availed.

In care, my abuse was increased and without going into too much details I was subject to a lot of things that a young child shouldn't have been exposed to.

When children are abused and then subsequently put into care we can so quickly justify that the child will have a better life outside of the birth family home.

I am a prime example of this, my life has been brilliant (regardless of health) I have been brought up into a loving family and because of this I have been privileged.

But reading the link that these parents just didn't know how to deal with troubled teens that they decided to call the social services to "deal" with the child, I really don't know how I feel about it, to be honest I feel quite angry.

I chose to have my children, whatever the circumstances, the decision was made and because of it these children are my responsibility to bring up and show what is right or wrong. Then therefore to deal with if they "run of the rails"

I am not judging these parents because I don't know the ins and outs of their circumstances, but the statistics on the facts that it is down to the teens being "troubled" troubles and angers me.

But is this something new? something that society has lead to?

In the Bible you see the example that Moses was hidden (for his protection) and then collected by the Pharaohs Daughter, and when he was older he was adopted. But when Moses grew up we see in Exodus 2:15 we see that even though Moses has been adopted into the family, he is not what the family expected, he runs off the royal tracks and starts to misbehave. (OK, he kills somebody) the Pharaoh, his adoptive grandfather not investigating just put an order out to kill Moses. Poor Moses has now been abandoned twice.

In 1 Kings 11 we see another case of a family leaving a child and the child boy Hadad being brought up by the Pharaoh of the day.

We see in Esther 2 that Mordecai had adopted his cousin who was parent less (unknown reasons)

In the Roman culture we see that Usually a man without natural offspring would adopt male as son. Seldom an infant. Young men sometimes adopted out of slavery; redeemed from such into privilege of son. We are also aware that Natural fathers sometimes "sold" a son to adoptive father.

Point to early questionable Roman practise of natural father "setting a goal" for his son, who then could reach that goal at age 14, 18 or 21 and be "placed as an adult son" into manhood. They emphasise that "adoption" is not the "making of a son," but the "placing of a son." God, the Father's, "longed-for goal" for Christians is that we be "conformed to the image of His Son" (Rom. 8:29).

So we can see that the practise of adoption and putting children into care of others has been around thousands of years. But it is in the last part that I raise the point that I think is wrong. In Roman tradition they would have a goal, target or expectation to set for the child, the "longed for goal" Do we still have these goals today? Of course we do, and I personally wonder if because of this are we still following the same practise? We are setting children longed for inherited goals and when the child doesn't meet them, and in some cases go completely opposite to them we see them as troubled, instead of sitting and managing the problem, we pass it off to someone else.

I have a happy ending to my adoptive story in care. But there is two things I want to mention, the first is that after my adoption, my birth mother has three more children, and my birth father another one, between them both my four siblings all at some point ended up into care, all at different ages. The sad truth here is that the same mistakes were made over and over again, each time the child wasn't being met with a caring and productive up bringing that unfortuantely meant that they led into care. For some of them, they were still in care by the age of 12 and the likelihood that they were adopted would dwindle, all because they were too much hard work and trouble for the parents.
My second point is an experience as a teacher: I once taught a young child who was in foster care, unaware at the time that they were we chatted about parents. (I was completely unaware or I would have avoided it) This young child told me their circumstances that their parents didn't want them anymore because they were trouble, the more I eventually investigated into this child I found that they were basically telling me the truth. I came home that day devastated, because they said said "hey ho, I'm not like the others, I'm too old to be wanted by others" This child, in the time that I taught them was one of the brightest and lovely children I have ever met, with realistically a little cheekiness to them that really was a character trait not a flaw.

I thought that this child was a one off, that I was relating to them because of my personal experiences, what is sad for me is that they were not a one off. Apparently 40 a day! 14,500 children a year are put into care voluntarily.

It is just sad and I pray for them all.