Drinking

I am teetotal.

I stopped drinking on New years day after a friend decided to stop and asked for support along the way.

Drinking is something that I struggle with, some would even say that I was an alcoholic. I would drink everyday, usually at least 3 cans of Fosters a day sometimes up to 6 cans a day, along with this I would also drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself. This is incredibly excessive drinking.

It has always been justified by myself and others around me. I have a happy world of people who enable me.

My health problems cause me to have a lot of muscle pain, due to this pain it is often difficult for me to sleep, with most painkillers being quite useless when trying to take away some of the deep ache that my muscles have.

I also seem to get myself in lots of situations, which are often funny and is often at the centre of most of my social life's and friends jokes.

A friend of mine Hollie moved in with me a few years back, after becoming friends with Candy at University.

Candy would be at work, Hollie and I would crack open a bottle of wine, and  enjoy the evening. This one evening, we opened a bottle of red and had the music on whilst we danced or "wicked" around the front room, Hollie soon knocked over a glass of red, going over the wood floor. This and with me being the least steady on my feet there was a moment when I almost went flying. We joked that it would have been amusing for Candy to come home and find me laying on the floor, with an apparent red liquid leaking underneath me. What would have Candy assumed had happened?

On one of my many drinking nights out with my cousin Darren, we had a "few" too many drinks. When we knew this would be the case, Candy would set up the sofa bed in the front room for me (we never slept in the same bed if I was drinking)

I came into the bungalow and went flying onto the floor, Darren in a similar drunken state tried to help me up, but alas he couldn't. Now looking back I can't remember whose brilliant idea it was to drag me along the wood floor to the sofa bed, but whoever it was the action started. Darren pulling me along whilst I try my hardest to keep still to make it as easy for him as possible. One problem started to occur, Friction, the more Darren pulled the more my jeans went down, and slowly my underwear with it. Now this being the case, Dareen stops and tries to help the jeans go back up, whilst I tried to pull my underwear up. Now you have to use your imagination here, there are two men, one on the floor with his jeans around his ankles and pants going in the same direction. The other man is bent and buckled over with what can only be seen as him having a grip on these jeans. Got the image in your mind? At this point Candy comes out of the bedroom, takes one look at me and Darren and say "Do you two want to be alone?"
OK, we laugh about it now, but you get my point, I often, very often, find myself in situations that I later regret, even if they are funny afterwards.

I am almost 30, yet just before the New Year I found myself in a similar situation, it was another one of embarrassment that I am sure we will laugh about later on in life. But for me it was enough. I shouldn't keep getting myself into these situations, and they happen a lot, not because of the excessive drinking but also because of my health, I need to start being more responsible, but with an ever changing illness it is difficult to learn what my body can and cannot take with alcohol.

So when my friend Sean offered this no drinking pack, a promise to stop for God, it seemed right, right for the time.

I am finding it ever so difficult though. Most of the time it is probably just a habitual thing, I often find when Eastenders starts that I am reaching across for a drink (but then it is Eastenders, who doesn't reach across for a drink?) or with dinner I suddenly realise I am missing the companion I have got with dinner. Then I go to bed, the laying there, the feeling I have. And it isn't a emotional feeling, it is the fact that I am feeling, I can feel my legs, the pain and ache in them.

A few things have come about from stopping that I thought I would share.

Headaches.
I have been getting more headaches since I stopped drinking. I can only put this down to two things, one the amount of fluid that is going into my body. I would assume that even with alcohol that I am still inputting more liquid into my body than I possibly am now. Dehydration is still hydration and will always affect you in someway. So I will see if I can just drink more, and see if this helps. Also the Sugar level. There is a lot of sugar in alcohol and because of that, with the amount of drinking that I did one would assume that my body is missing a lot of sugar intake. (Although I am not sure if this will help my headaches)

Sugar
I know I just mentioned it, but I crave sugary things. This is rare for me, because I don't eat cake, chocolate or biscuits, but I am craving them now, craving an extra sugar in my coffee. But I wont supplement one thing for another, so I am trying to balance what I eat but at the same time i am not allowing sugar or sugary treats to replace the drinking.

Weight loss.
I seem to have dropped weight in some places, around my stomach and around my face. It may have been only two weeks, but I didn't realise how much calories I must have been putting into my body with the amount of drinking I was doing.

So, that's about it really, yes it is hard, yes I am struggling, but I will try to persevere because I know in the long run it will benefit me, I will try to keep you informed of whats going on or what thoughts I have about it, but in the meantime, keep me in your thoughts or prayers and I know it sounds silly but encouragement goes a long way, especially if I am having a weaker day.

This is no sob story, this is just my story.

I am always very careful to open up to people, really open up to them. It isn't just because I am a man and have trouble conveying information, because if you truly ask me a question I will always give you a direct honest answer, but who really asks?

I don't share too much because I don't ever want people to see my life as a sob story, because it isn't I do honestly feel that I have achieved so much in my life and that I have lived it well. Several things have been playing on my mind recently and because of that they have got me thinking about my position in life and because of that, I feel that it is time to share.

But why share some of the most personal things in my life and on blogger? I am so ashamed of some of the things I have done in my life or have been involved in that I suppose that some of it is easier on here as I am hiding behind the computer. But I also hate repeating myself so this would be a good way to share with my loved ones who read this. I also want people to realise that it is immensely difficult being a human, but even more that it is difficult being a Christian at the same time because people see you differently, have higher expectations of you, you even end up having higher expectations of yourself and with that I hope that you will be able realise that we are just all human.

I often get people telling me that they admire me and that I am brave. I am not, I take the easy way (often the bad way) out. I know at times that bravery is being scared, digging yourself in and standing through the difficult times. But with age I am changing, turning more away from the person that grew and inspired so many with my "get up and dust myself off behaviour". With that I also get people telling me they think it is fantastic for someone with so many obstacles to still be smiling.

These are obviously wonderful comments, encouraging me to keep going, showing me the respect that others want to offer.

My smile is often a mask, who doesn't have a mask or shield of types? I struggle to put that smile on and seem to be changing more and more.

I went to an all day men's fellowship conference with CVM and Newwine. It was great. But there was one talk discussing about men being like a good strong bull being warn down until they're tired and then speared. Men are strong tough creatures who can often get up and dust themselves off, but will often still walk around with their spear still inserted into their back, because we're tough men. Even at times when we are aware that we need to remove that spear that the wound may still be left open and may be being infected and poisoned by remaining splinters. So, I have prayed that I need my splinters to be removed so I am.


So where do I begin?

I suffer from Depression.

That was probably the best start as my depression brings me down to a massive crash and is interlinked with so much.

I wake up some days and don't want to get out of bed; I hate the concept of even moving, having a million things rush through my mind about things that I would struggle with i.e my health. I try to do things that people suggest, like setting up triggers to make sure I get up. I create a routine to stick by, this helps to not allow too many surprises and also keeps my mind off negative thoughts. Although these things are set up to help me, to help me cope, they are a struggle, they are a real effort because I get into the state of mind that is difficult to do ANYTHING.

So, why I am I depressed? That is an interesting thing that I often think about. I was once told that " I have nothing to be depressed about, I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids, a home, I have achieved so much" These things are true. Very true. But there is so much that is in the background, and I suppose that is one thing that I felt I needed to share on here.

I wake up every day with dread. I hate getting dressed or needing help to get dressed. I need help cleaning. I need help in everything. This knocks my pride, knocks it a lot, I am an adult, we get brought up to become independent, to stand on your feet and face the wide world. But being disabled you end up losing that, everything about self learning is thrown out. You get smothered and coddled, you get treated as a child. As an ex-teacher this stands up even more for me, when we would teach children the social and personal care of getting dressed independently by the age of 7. So that as an example fills me with dread.

But, then you have the falling.

I fall, everyday, If I am truly blessed by God at that awful time then I am thankful I don't hit anything on the way down that will cause me more problems. When you're on your own you feel so isolated and vulnerable. It is scary. You never know what your day will be like, but you know it is at least going to happen, so you pray for the best outcome when it does.

But, for me the worst of all is the loneliness that you end up having with it. Strange considering I am married, have a wonderful group of friends, churched or not. But you are alone. I have a strong faith and know that my God is always with me, but at times I need that loving look from a friend or family, the comfort and support. Which isn't always available. You can't work so you do not have the luxury of seeing people in the day, and then the sad truth is that you can not always restrict the movements of your family when you have two small children (as i do). So with that, you are left alone. You try to make up by doing active things beyond normal work hours with friends and community but with health issues you get tired and then it isn't always practical to go out in the evening. Even when you desperately want to. With all of the above knowing, I hope that it is understandable that I don't always want to get out of bed.

When things get out of hand (and it can take the smallest thing, like with most people, usually a misunderstanding, but with depression comes commonly paranoia, so the littlest things are so easily big things) I struggle to cope, I have bible verses to repeat, I have friends who I text, and activities to help me focus. This helps 90% of the time. 10% of the time I self harm. It is not something I am proud of, and very very few people know, because many people don't understand and publicly it is massively frowned upon and misunderstood. Why do I do it? It is a distinct idea of feeling so lost and distanced from the world that it almost alienates the depersonalisation and dissociative state. It hurts, makes you realise you can feel. I cut and "scratch" as the Doctors state. I starve myself and often drink very heavily. Anything to change the scenario that I am currently in. I feel guilty after, every time. Especially when I realise that I am not alone and that God was there with me.

Being brave as I said is standing up when you have fallen and dusting yourself off even when you are scared and don't want to. I use to be good at this: I wanted to prove people wrong when they saw me. I tried to shape and craft my career, home life and family, as well as my education to prove that I am more than capable, more than disabled, if anything I am able.

Knowing how your life will change (medically presented and without divine intervention) scares me more than death itself. I know that seems strange but knowing how my health will change and how it will be progressively worse makes me more scared of living.

I want peace.

It is one of the reasons why I am still an active Christian, because I believe God will bring me that peace. With that peace I pray for rest, no more fighting or arguing, no more having to struggle. I have for the last 16 years done nothing but fight, argue and struggle and although this has been a source of inspiration for others it is getting tiresome for me. This alone is a very heavy burden for me to carry, which on many a times I give it to God, but it (by the means of Satan) is always returned to me. I pray to God everyday to grant me that peace, that rest, if for anything so I can enjoy my Boys before I get too sick to enjoy their company.

So, as I said, this isn't a sob story,this is more of an unmasking.

And for anyone who self harms and comes across this post, just know 1: that you're not a lone. 2: I know, really know, that it is difficult but tell someone, because like the first point, you're not alone.