Getting out of the boat and keeping focus. Part 2

Ok, so we saw that these men were in the boat and in trouble and scared. These were fishermen, men who knew the waters, knew the storms and knew how to survive , these were professionals. But the truth is here that they were scared because they had no hope, the fear that would have been taken by the hope in Jesus. They also relied in the hope and safety of what they knew, the safety of being in the boat.

This moment Jesus show them who he truly is, reminds them of the fact that they have been doubting. Reminding them to look at him and not the storm that's distracting around them.

Jesus walked out towards them, yet the disciples still being hardened to the identity of him, don't recognise him, the shout it in fear! Jesus first response is to say "don't be afraid, it is I". (The don't be afraid line is one of the most common in the bible, mentioned 365 times)

Peter, does the bravest thing and trusts that it is Jesus and says tell me to come. Some would see this as a sign of finally having obedience, i see this more as the thing that is holding Pater back, another back up way out of "well i didn't get out because Jesus didn't tell me to" but once Jesus says come, there is when you see the obedience from Peter.

He then started walking on the water to Jesus. He is actually doing it, but in typical Peter sense he fails again, he is distracted and still scared of what is around him, takes his eyes of Jesus and starts to sink.

Jesus reached in to the water and grabbed Peter, and once they were both on the boat, the storm cleared and they had already arrived onto the other side of the sea. (of which according to the story they had only rowed a mile into) At this point they all cry out saying that Jesus is truly the son of God, they have finally started seeing him. But as we see they still doubted in their hearts. "Later He appeared to the eleven as they sat at the table; and He rebuked their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they did not believe those who had seen Him after He had risen."

Are we not all like this though? When things are going well we are happy to get on with our lives and say how happy we are as Christians, but when it is stormy in our lives we call straight out to God for help. We harden ourselves to the truth that is Jesus and we often think it is easy to jump out of the boat and focus on God but realistically the things around us distract us, where we take our eyes off of him, where only at this point when we are sinking we shout out to God. We should pray to him and call out to him in praise as well in desperation. We should be looking at Jesus all the time, not just when it is stormy for him to rescue us.

I was planning on ending on Psalms 107:28-31

^"Then they cry out to the LORD in their trouble, And He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, So that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!"

Getting out of the boat and keeping focus. Part 1

I have been looking over what I have thought were well known Bible stories, as the more I read, meditate and then investigate further I seem to be realising that I don't really know the stories as well as I thought.


This week I decided to go with a friends suggestion of Jesus walking on water.


This story appears in three out of four of the gospels (Doesn't appear in Luke)


I started with the version in Matthew (Ch 14 v22-33)


It starts off with Jesus sending his disciples away in a boat whilst he sent away the crowd. So I looked into the back story. 24 - 48 hours earlier Jesus had just been told of the death of his Cousin, John the Baptist.


(He would have been brought up with this man and been quite close to him, especially when you consider the fact that both of their parents had miraculous pregnancies and it is even noted that Mary spent time with them whilst pregnant with Jesus at Johns birth. )


Jesus decided to retreat to solitude to pray and I would guess to mourn over his friend and relative. But before he got to do that he was approached by the crowd, that we would learn to be the feeding of the 5000 (plus women and children) They had came to crown him as king and I again, would guess to start the uprising against the Romans that the promised Messiah was told to bring. Jesus was still grieving but took his own personal problems to the side and fed the crowd.


So, with that back story we get to the point where the next story begins.


In my version of the Bible (King James (older version)) It says that the Disciples were constrained on to the boat. Constrain was an unusual word for me, so checking it out I found that Constrain is to bind and forcefully move. This would have often been suggested and used by Shepherds hearding sheep. (I found the Shepherd explanation a very interesting one) Clearly these Disciples didn't want to leave Jesus and by the sounds of it probably put up a bit of a fight.
After the Disciples were on the boat, Jesus saw off the crowd that had previously gathered. Again, like a good host seeing off the guests to the party by himself.  But that must have been a task alone, sending off 5000 (+), probably reassuring them on the way telling them about being meek etc; as stated before that they were probably ready for the uprising and revolt, hopefully playing on death of John the Baptist, making Jesus King. ( John 6v 15: Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.)


But a few points came out for me here:


1: Jesus was probably still grieving and still wanting to be isolated. (But instead, realistically, was probably surrounded by 10,000 people)


2: He actually took the time to send the crowd off, he could have quite easily have used his Disciples to help. But again this shows Jesus had time and love for us all and as individuals.


3: The crowd saw the disciples put into the boat and Jesus "alone" on the land. Who would argue with 5,000 (+) witnesses?


OK, so in the next part you see that night fell and Jesus is finally alone and ready to pray.  Jesus had his moment to grieve and pray. Although the storm came and he knew that the disciples were far off and in trouble.


Now, it is this next bit that I find so interesting and actually amazing.


"His wisdom is profound, his power is vast. Who has resisted him and come out unscathed? He moves mountains without their knowing it and overturns them in his anger. He speaks to the sun and it does not shine; he seals off the light of the stars. He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea." (Job 9 verse 4 - 8)


This verse was linked in my Bible, I found this really intriguing.


In this verse from Job it shows the powers of God; it also suggests that who resist him. Had the disciples resisted Jesus?


Strange thought, because initially reading that verse from Job I would have suggested that it is talking about the devil, and resisting him, he too is powerful, we see his power and affects of it daily. But i wondered if it truly meant him, could it mean God.


In my King James version the opening verse in the above actually states something slightly different:


"He is wise in heart, and mighty in strength: who hath hardened himself against him, and hath prospered?"


Who hath hardened himself against him, and hath prospered? - To harden oneself, here means to resist or withstand him. It refers to the firmness or resolution which one is obliged to adopt who opposes another. Here it means the opposition which man makes to the law and government of the Most High; and the affirmation is, that no one can make such opposition who will not be ultimately overcome. God is so great, so powerful, and so just, that a successful resistance cannot be made.


So, I ask the question again, Had the disciples resisted Jesus?


Yes, I believe so. And hopefully will show why a bit later.


But what also interested me is that the verses in Job are almost prophetic for this event: We are aware at this time it was night (evening fell when Jesus prayed) and due to the stormy weather you wouldn't have seen the sky - "He speaks to the sun and it does not shine; he seals off the light of the stars." We then see the just response to the person whose divinity will prove who he is and how we will be able to identify him -"He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea." (We see later on after Jesus walks on water that the storm ends) this would also link well with Matthew 8v 23-27

OK, so the disciples are resisting Jesus.

Well, consider the position the disciples are in, they have up to this point, according to the gospels, witnessed either independently or as a group 20! miracles (check out a previous blog post of mine to check: http://insidemartynsmind.blogspot.com/2011/03/miracles-of-jesus.html)

They have witnessed him do so much, but a few things that you clearly see is that they are still disobedient. They are right at the beginning of this story, Jesus forces them onto the boat, they didn't listen. This is seen in Mark 6:52 "For they had not understood about the loaves, because their heart was hardened."

They still were unsure of the true person Jesus was. Even in the calming of the storm in Matthew 8v27 " The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” " They still called him just man, even though we see that in Job only one of divinity could control the elements and can tread on water!

Clearly the disciples are on a slippery path, they are resisting the true nature of Jesus and have hardened themselves to the truth.

We see this mentioned in Psalms 73:17-19 "till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! "
So, ending this part of the post, I will leave you with a question.

After seeing all the things the disciples had witnessed, would you have recognised the truth that was Jesus, or would you let society harden your heart?

This is no sob story, this is just my story.

I am always very careful to open up to people, really open up to them. It isn't just because I am a man and have trouble conveying information, because if you truly ask me a question I will always give you a direct honest answer, but who really asks?

I don't share too much because I don't ever want people to see my life as a sob story, because it isn't I do honestly feel that I have achieved so much in my life and that I have lived it well. Several things have been playing on my mind recently and because of that they have got me thinking about my position in life and because of that, I feel that it is time to share.

But why share some of the most personal things in my life and on blogger? I am so ashamed of some of the things I have done in my life or have been involved in that I suppose that some of it is easier on here as I am hiding behind the computer. But I also hate repeating myself so this would be a good way to share with my loved ones who read this. I also want people to realise that it is immensely difficult being a human, but even more that it is difficult being a Christian at the same time because people see you differently, have higher expectations of you, you even end up having higher expectations of yourself and with that I hope that you will be able realise that we are just all human.

I often get people telling me that they admire me and that I am brave. I am not, I take the easy way (often the bad way) out. I know at times that bravery is being scared, digging yourself in and standing through the difficult times. But with age I am changing, turning more away from the person that grew and inspired so many with my "get up and dust myself off behaviour". With that I also get people telling me they think it is fantastic for someone with so many obstacles to still be smiling.

These are obviously wonderful comments, encouraging me to keep going, showing me the respect that others want to offer.

My smile is often a mask, who doesn't have a mask or shield of types? I struggle to put that smile on and seem to be changing more and more.

I went to an all day men's fellowship conference with CVM and Newwine. It was great. But there was one talk discussing about men being like a good strong bull being warn down until they're tired and then speared. Men are strong tough creatures who can often get up and dust themselves off, but will often still walk around with their spear still inserted into their back, because we're tough men. Even at times when we are aware that we need to remove that spear that the wound may still be left open and may be being infected and poisoned by remaining splinters. So, I have prayed that I need my splinters to be removed so I am.


So where do I begin?

I suffer from Depression.

That was probably the best start as my depression brings me down to a massive crash and is interlinked with so much.

I wake up some days and don't want to get out of bed; I hate the concept of even moving, having a million things rush through my mind about things that I would struggle with i.e my health. I try to do things that people suggest, like setting up triggers to make sure I get up. I create a routine to stick by, this helps to not allow too many surprises and also keeps my mind off negative thoughts. Although these things are set up to help me, to help me cope, they are a struggle, they are a real effort because I get into the state of mind that is difficult to do ANYTHING.

So, why I am I depressed? That is an interesting thing that I often think about. I was once told that " I have nothing to be depressed about, I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids, a home, I have achieved so much" These things are true. Very true. But there is so much that is in the background, and I suppose that is one thing that I felt I needed to share on here.

I wake up every day with dread. I hate getting dressed or needing help to get dressed. I need help cleaning. I need help in everything. This knocks my pride, knocks it a lot, I am an adult, we get brought up to become independent, to stand on your feet and face the wide world. But being disabled you end up losing that, everything about self learning is thrown out. You get smothered and coddled, you get treated as a child. As an ex-teacher this stands up even more for me, when we would teach children the social and personal care of getting dressed independently by the age of 7. So that as an example fills me with dread.

But, then you have the falling.

I fall, everyday, If I am truly blessed by God at that awful time then I am thankful I don't hit anything on the way down that will cause me more problems. When you're on your own you feel so isolated and vulnerable. It is scary. You never know what your day will be like, but you know it is at least going to happen, so you pray for the best outcome when it does.

But, for me the worst of all is the loneliness that you end up having with it. Strange considering I am married, have a wonderful group of friends, churched or not. But you are alone. I have a strong faith and know that my God is always with me, but at times I need that loving look from a friend or family, the comfort and support. Which isn't always available. You can't work so you do not have the luxury of seeing people in the day, and then the sad truth is that you can not always restrict the movements of your family when you have two small children (as i do). So with that, you are left alone. You try to make up by doing active things beyond normal work hours with friends and community but with health issues you get tired and then it isn't always practical to go out in the evening. Even when you desperately want to. With all of the above knowing, I hope that it is understandable that I don't always want to get out of bed.

When things get out of hand (and it can take the smallest thing, like with most people, usually a misunderstanding, but with depression comes commonly paranoia, so the littlest things are so easily big things) I struggle to cope, I have bible verses to repeat, I have friends who I text, and activities to help me focus. This helps 90% of the time. 10% of the time I self harm. It is not something I am proud of, and very very few people know, because many people don't understand and publicly it is massively frowned upon and misunderstood. Why do I do it? It is a distinct idea of feeling so lost and distanced from the world that it almost alienates the depersonalisation and dissociative state. It hurts, makes you realise you can feel. I cut and "scratch" as the Doctors state. I starve myself and often drink very heavily. Anything to change the scenario that I am currently in. I feel guilty after, every time. Especially when I realise that I am not alone and that God was there with me.

Being brave as I said is standing up when you have fallen and dusting yourself off even when you are scared and don't want to. I use to be good at this: I wanted to prove people wrong when they saw me. I tried to shape and craft my career, home life and family, as well as my education to prove that I am more than capable, more than disabled, if anything I am able.

Knowing how your life will change (medically presented and without divine intervention) scares me more than death itself. I know that seems strange but knowing how my health will change and how it will be progressively worse makes me more scared of living.

I want peace.

It is one of the reasons why I am still an active Christian, because I believe God will bring me that peace. With that peace I pray for rest, no more fighting or arguing, no more having to struggle. I have for the last 16 years done nothing but fight, argue and struggle and although this has been a source of inspiration for others it is getting tiresome for me. This alone is a very heavy burden for me to carry, which on many a times I give it to God, but it (by the means of Satan) is always returned to me. I pray to God everyday to grant me that peace, that rest, if for anything so I can enjoy my Boys before I get too sick to enjoy their company.

So, as I said, this isn't a sob story,this is more of an unmasking.

And for anyone who self harms and comes across this post, just know 1: that you're not a lone. 2: I know, really know, that it is difficult but tell someone, because like the first point, you're not alone.

Giving

I heard a couple of interesting points and a story this weekend about giving and wanted to share it with everyone, especially as it got me thinking.


On Friday evening I was helping set up as much as possible for a craft fair that I organise. My Aunt, who was there helping, and I are started arguing, very poorly over money. My Aunt doesn't work, she suffers from a multitude of aliments, so the craft fairs she does makes her money, especially little bit before Christmas. I decided to not charge two friends for the use of a table, mainly they hadn't done many craft fairs and they had driven a distance to do it. My Aunt saw this as weakness, I saw her argument as greed. So, Saturday comes and my Aunt in other ways demonstrates a greedy side, that I'll be honest I didn't like. She even commented on the way I was "changing the prices of things" as bad business sense....mmmm, I didn't care, I wasn't there to make my millions I was there to share what I had done, through craft and where I can give others enjoyment.

That evening I was bothered by the whole event, I helped organise these craft fairs so we both could earn a bit of extra cash before Christmas, maybe if I had listened to her I would have a little bit extra. I prayed about it.


I was pleased then when I went to Bobbing Church on Sunday to hear Sue say that the days talk was about giving and the ways of giving.
Sue, our Curate, started off with a quote from Mother Teresa "Giving is not giving if you don't need it"

Really?

I was under the impression that Giving was still ultimately giving, but the more I thought about it the more it settled in me.

I have been reading a book by John Grisham called the Street Lawyer, in the story a wealthy Lawyer and friends are kept hostage by a homeless man. In the story you find that the homeless man is only doing it to get the hostages to have a better view on their giving. Most of the hostages were earning $300,000. or more a year. And although some were giving to charities that realistically a combined donation was only every given from the amount $2,000. The point was made, did these wealthy lawyers give a fair representation of their salary to the needy, no they didn't. They had far more than they ever needed.

I give a set amount to charities and churches. Probably not the biblical 10% but I give what I can, when I have it. I give my time to and help in what ever ways possible, this last bit is usually when I get the most enjoyment from the giving. As usually I know that i am giving my time to be helpful. So, although not financially 10% I would say there would be more.

Whilst trying to find the Mother Teresa quote I found a few more of hers that i though I would throw in, especially after the last paragraph about giving with enjoyment. “The person who gives with a smile is the best giver because God loves a cheerful giver.”

Sue also told a story on Sunday that brought tears to my eyes and distracted me just enough from getting up in time to start playing for sung worship, so I thought I would end on that story and a final Mother Teresa quote.

There was a little boy trying to sell newspapers in the rain, cold and wet and seeing the church open its doors the little boy decided that he would go in for a short while, trying his best to a least get some warmth and to dry out. The boy sat with his wet papers and listened to the priest giving the talk about Jesus and how much He loves us; with the priest really hitting home that the congregation needed to give more to Jesus. During the sung worship the collection plate was being passed around, but as the boy hadn't sold any papers he had nothing to give. At the end of the service, with the little boy now feeling the spirit of God touching him, and wanting to give, went up to the priest. The little boy grabbed the collection plate and put it on the floor, with a foot at a time he then stepped in. The priest turned and said "what do you think you are doing?" the little boy replied " I havn't got any money and even my newspapers are ruined by the rain, but I want to give something to the church, to God, so I give you myself, everything I am"

Sometimes, giving isn't just giving money or helping people, although this is a wonderful thing to do, but sometimes, giving is completely giving everything you can.

The last quote for you to think about from Mother Teresa:

“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by "I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.