Day 14 Worst case fear

Today I have decided to take a different tact with things.

I, as you all know, have been looking for the last 14 days at self reflection and showing acts of Love.

But in that time I have had soem bad days, with odd situations. With my Dpd I can struggle with certain aspects, and it is quite common for me to struggle a few days a month anyway, mainly situations can affect things. But after talking to my aunt and uncle last night and then chatting to a friend it, as often is the case, got me thinking and processing whilst laying in bed. I am in the next few posts going to concentrate on fear.

I feel that it works quite well in the thread of posts that I have written as fear is often the thing that change us outwardly, affecting our decisons.

My uncle expressed to me a fear, and although I am not overly sure if he new it was a fear, but you could see that it affected him.

Since having an operation he has been prone to feeling shakey, wobberling and experiencing falls. I could see why he wanted to discuss this. For the last 16 years there is barely a day that I can remember where I havent wobbled, shaked or fallen due to my physical health. Its a horrible feeling, because you never really know when that is going to heppen. Yet in those 16 years I have become an aged man of war. Some days living in fear of a fall and others fighting and winning against that fear.

When I was 13 and started falling expereincing what now seems so minor in respect of my current health, no one believed me. Not even my mum, she never really understood. When we visited Cardiff on holiday the that was gripping me spread to her. On crossing a road, my leg gave way and i fell, being low down and out of sight, the bus driver couldnt see me. Lucky looking back at it that so much good was happening, the bus driver had just stopped so didnt have that much power behind his driving. But all I remember is being on the floor after falling, turning and seeing the bus and my mum running towards me trying to wave at teh bus to stop. On breaking the bus drivers reactions were a second to slow. And from what I was told in hospital after is that the bus hit me.

That haunted my mum and I for years. Being overly caustious about most things, my mum became wary warning me of things that she had spotted miles off and telling me to be careful. I on the other hand didnt want that fear to follow me. But even to this day, the fear of falling and doing more damage to myself really gets to me.

Yet the inccident with the Bus was purely an accident, and yes although I might fall often that doesnt mean that I am always in danger from it. Why do i, and we I would hope, live in fear of the worst case scenario? Isnt that clearly a shackle that would stain and hold on to us?

I am sure that the accident with the bus was just an accident, but my mind, I am sure like yours plays on it,  and although our fears can motivate us, we should be wary that we're not living in them.

If I said to you that I was worried about falling because everytime I fall I am scared that a giant giraffe is going to poke his head around the corner and come and lick me, whilst the monkey on his back hits me with an unmbrella. You would say that my fear was ridiculous and and that it isnt a reason to hold on to it.

So why do we see women in there mid thirties worried that their body clock is ticking away and they wont get a chance to be a parent. Or  a man living day to day in fear that he is going to lose his job and he wont be able to support his family?

There are many things that can happen, there are hundreds of jobs out there if that man wanted to support his family. There are ways of becoming a parent without fearing a bodily time clock.

Sometimes we need to remember that it is our duty to counter fight our fears, like pulling back the curtains and facing the day outside. In doing so I believe that we can make correct decisions that can release our shackles. Like vampires, shedding light on our fears will burn them away when dealt with correctly.

Whatever our fear; finacial, work, relationships, professional, being a parent or safety, call them out, shed some light on them. In the Gospels we see that Jesus discusses situations with the disciples. Do we do this, do we share out fears? If a fear is grabbing us are we sharing it with other? Helping to shed some light on it.

Seeing my uncle last night discuss his falling made my heart go out. I knew that fear, but it took me many years to allow myself to talk about that. My uncle looked at me as a circle of companionship (like Jesus and the disciples) and shared his worry. In doing so we spoke a while about different aspects of it, hopefully shedding some light on it.

Just dont allow fear to attack us by the worse case scenario.

And if you see me panicking in the highstreet when I've fallen over, then run, the giraffe and monkey are coming!

Day 13 being shackled

In posts that have been published within my lent challenge, I have been trying to show some self improvement, but show that there are different was for improvement for everyone. Showing that we as humans have to potential for more, with a little evaluation and growth that we can achieve more. I really still fell this comes back to my post on Day 2 about Love. Love is the foundation for every action and reaction that we make.

We often see that people see love as a partnership and a relationship, like we would see in boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. But as I tried to say before that this isn't the case, we can reflect our kindness and consideration to help other through the power of love, a love for one another.

Such a sweet idealised thought though.

People don't tend to do that. People look upon the world and don't offer kindness  or reflect something good, and for someone receiving kindness we almost become suspicious, questioning the motives. Could this complete stranger actually be nice to me because they are a nice person? Or this nice motion seems to much for me, doesn't sit right for me, how could this person be so true and kind? We are very quick to accept help from family and friends, but when they do it we take them for granted. We are more likely to fall out with family and our closest friends because we expect too much out of the situation, albeit that it could just be an expectation that the other person should be more sensitive to your needs.

I experienced this earlier today. I had to go into town to sort some bits out, and decided to grab myself a cooked lunch in the cafe. The cafe has a large step going into it but the food is lovely and worth the effort. It is usually a very quite little side road cafe, which is usually a bonus for me to sit and relax in. Opening the door I have see that there are two table sitting down, both with elderly ladies. Having difficulty getting in I have the door wide open, once in I attempt to shut the door, but it is always notoriously difficult. And one lady at one table, very loudly to her friend said, "look he makes me cold enough whilst he gets in and now he wont even shut the door" Rude, but I tried not to take much notice. A few minutes later, she has another bee in her bonnet. "Don't get real men nowadays, not with real manners, he wont even take his cap off ( I was wearing a flat cap) whilst hes eating" I was cross and had a word with the lady and put her in her place for being nosey and rude.
Yet whilst all this was happening the other table of elderly ladies sat just watching, they watched me struggle and climb in through the door, struggle to sit, they saw that I was just trying to read the paper and enjoy my lunch.

The two rude ladies left after I commented to them. On my turn to leave I went to get up, and this lady from the other table got up and came and held the back of my chair so it was steady for me to use. She very quietly spoke and lent forward. "Some people carry so much anger that they dont always see what's infront of them, I can see there is something wrong with you but I think it's great that you do what you do"
Ignoring certain aspects of what she said, I actually thought this was the sweetest comment I had heard in a while. She came and helped, showed her love and kindness and verbally showed me that the world can be a nice place.

Sometimes we carry so much around with us, I have mentioned before about bad notes, stains and wrongs or hurts that we carry round, we often wear them as shackles, the things that imprison us and our growth. Yes these things do need to be cut out of our lives but we need to be careful. As I mentioned yesterday, at what cost are we cutting back and are we really cultivating our lives? If you're cutting the trees back are you doing it for your pleasure; allowing more sun into your garden? or are you doing it to allow more growth; cutting the trees to allow them to grow into the sun?

The shackles that we wear and carry can influence the things we do, where ideally a choice could lead to another pair of shackles. I know that has happened to me, I though through one action I could get rid of a shackle and be free but through that I gained another.

I will end on  story I was told about Nelson Mandela.
When in prison he spent so long being angry for being in there, he admitted that half of his sentence was anger and revenge. On release, he we to see the man who arrested him, but to do what?
When he arrived he met with this mans wife and found out that the man that he had come to talk to, to right things in his mind had died. Apparently of cancer a few years earlier, in conversation the women said that the officer had spoken about that day a lot, he had felt guilt, but with having to continue his work and earn a living for his wife and kids he had very little choice at the time. Nelson gave his love and condolences to the women and left.

Nelson admitted that he wanted to show forgiveness to this man. He had realised that one of the reasons he was so angry on prison was because it wasn't his tiny cell that was imprisoning him, but his anger towards that man. He meditated on that thought for his remaining time, realising that forgiving this man was a way to allow his imprisonment to stop even when he was out of the building. On hearing the news he later admitted that he was filled with shame and guilt, not because we was willing to forgive, but because he used his time not doing it sooner. Nelson now had a new shackle to wear.

We don't really know the motivations of others, however much we might seek conversation's of truth and logic to help us, we can be left in the dark. But we can still get a glimmer of light within our day. Use that light and use it wisely. I know I carry a shackle similar to Nelsons, a shackle of guilt, over misused decisions or feelings. Don't waste your time, if you know something is good allow it to shine and help you, and if it isn't good, then what is the reason that it is shackling you for?

How often do our decisions reflect love, kindness, consideration and forgiveness, giving that person one more chance? How often do we make decisions that shackle us, and we can't seem to shake that shackle? And if we can do we do it with out gaining another?

Day 12 - Cultivating

So much can happen in ourlives that shape and change us, that helps us on our journey. I expereince things that do this nearly on a daily basis, even more so recently.

Discussing before that we have a song that fits us is still a strange concept, yet musicians when they write songs must sitfor hours changing notes within their score to get what they have right in their head down on to their newly written score.

In life we should be doing the same.

With my DPD and my physical health, I come across many challenges that I should evaluate and process, and at times it seems a little that I am always processing. But I believe that this is a good thing, I would like to see this as a form of discipline. The word Discipline should never be used in the concept of punishment, and that this is where so many people becomeconfused and even "fail." 'Discipline' comes from the word 'Disciple' meaning "follow and train." We should all berecognising and doing this, seeing ourselves as children and therefore correcting children in their behaviour by showing them what they should do, and not just punishing when they go off course. God, in the garden of Eden, gives Adam this very task. He was asked to be the keeper of the garden; he was asked to cultivate.

¹⁵ The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.
Genesis 2:15

He wasn't told to dig out the weeds or cut the grass, he was told to work on it and take care of it. In other terms Cultivate.

The same should be used for us, as family, parents and friends. We are meant to help the people around us and cultivate them in the way that God wanted them to be. The problem is that we tend to just be pulling weeds or cutting grass. It doesn't solve the problem, it just hides it for a while.

And to be honest not many of us stick to our gardening tasks. So many see the thought of continually helping and cultivating as a tiring job, or that there is something that just isn't right so decide to keep just cultivating one thing, usually their own individual life/song/plant. So hiding it away seems such an easy choice.

My dad is a keen gardener, although it is a running joke that you will never find him in the garden when the football is on. I always enjoy watching him prune back the rose bush, he looks like such an expert. The rose bushes get to about 6 ft tall. It is now about 3 ft, my dad didn't hack at it, he spent an hour neatly cutting away. Now, I admit when I see it, I always think that he has got carried away, when confronting him his reply was, "now when it blooms it will choose a beautiful path to bloom into". And that, for me, is exactly what God asked Adam to do. That is exactly what we should be doing to one another, steering them in the right direction, and asking that the choices they make to be choices that will please God, most importantly, putting Him central for everything.

Cultivating doesnt mean digging everything up in the garden, or choosing your favourite plants and just because some do not fit right that you cut them out of the garden all together, it is time to cultivate them, maybe just spend some time with them and prune back the difficult areas, as like dad did, you will find that it will bloom beautifully allowing for a more beautiful journey.

(On a side note isn't the word Cultivate a fantastic word, God keeps showing me this word in so many ways)

Being a big fan of the Karate Kid films in the 80's, I think Mr. Miagi had the right idea. In the third film I remember they own up a Bonsi tree shop. Having this little tree Daniel says "I think it might be difficult to make even that look like a Bonsi" Cuts to a scene later and there it is, this beautiful Bonsi tree. Mr. Miagi explains that the true tree was hidden in side, he just helped it come out. He, unlike Daniel, didnt dismiss it and "cut it out" he worked hard on something, cultivating it until its inner beauty came out. Should we all do that to ourselves and others?

So my question to you is, Are you just pulling out weeds? Are you cutting the trees back because they are blocking the light or because you want them to grow in the light? Are you cultivating around you or just gardening? And how often do you really sit and cultivate things rather than saying I can't do that and cutting that plant out because you don't want to spend so much time cultivating it?

 

Day 11 It's ok to not be ok.

This is a difficult for me, as I am seemingly have a bad few days. Yesterday was another bad dpd day, so was trying very hard to challenge it and work back at gaining some grounding. The thing that I have realised is that I'm really good at letting people feel comforted and always reminding people that they should seek help and support. Reading these points I realised that I was a hypocrite in places, I never ask for help. If people ask me how I am, I always reply the same...I'm ok, am always ok. Why do I do this? I usually believe this has something to do with my nature of trying to put people first, and making sure others are ok. But it also occurred to me that I don't trust any one enough to pass my problems on to others. I very rarely find people that I'm comfortable to confide in, and when I am, I get shocked and embarrassed that I have made an idiot of myself. So, why can't I challenge this? It's difficult to. But that doesn't make any less of a reason to not do it. So, for someone who believes in honesty at the up most maybe I need to allow this a little more, so today's a new start with it. I am telling myself now and others if they ask, that at the moment I'm not okay. Maybe doing this will a; stop pushing people away, and b; maybe to have some support, as like most situations, my normal support network has other things going on, so feel isolated. But I'm not going to allow this, my honesty might even allow more people in my life.

Day 9 who are you helping up?

It's a strange thing being a blog writer, I get emails from strangers and comments from friends who tell me that the things I write are inspirational. I honestly don't sit and go "what's inspiration can I create today?" The majority of the time I write from life, write from thoughts and people who inspire me. I've been very lucky recently to have someone in my life who is an inspiration, helping me to cleanse things within me. Even if they tell me its the other way round.

This person inspires me to see my potential and be better. They lift me in places which is greatly appreciated. Spending time thinking yesterday and then talking to this person reminded me of the point of the blog's at the start of this challenge. Love, love for one another and love for each other.

We see all the oppression that was taking place under the sun, the things that oppress us day to day and can keep us from improving. Often in this we see that the person has no true support and that they have no real comforter.
I was reminded that day to day we can just live through problems and  toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another, or our own realisation that we are seeking perfection in ourslives and picturing something that looks unacheiveable, but through it we can come through something else.

In the army you hear that you never leave a man behind, and you pick up a commrad that has fallen. So why don't we do this more in life?

In Ecclesiates it states "There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil,  yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. “For whom am I toiling,” he asked,     “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” This too is meaningless—   a miserable business!"

We try to gain control of ourselves filling it with things that we think we want rather than trying to gain teh things that we need to better ourselves, things that are good for us. In doing so we continue to get hurt and upset with our day to day. Seeing that we are never truly content with what we have and always depriving us from having something amazing, ignoring the things that allow us to grow something amazing. We sit and question does this feel right, is this the right thing? But isnt that just allowing more toil.

It also states: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,  one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls  and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves."

So if we're continually being oppressed by ourselves and others where are our commrads to help us out, lift us up when we fall, defend us when we need to. People have friends and loved ones, and always say that theyre never alone and that they always get help. So why do i often see friends getting upset, isolating themselves and feeling horrible, not really getting support? Stop being one, and become two, pick your friends up, dont leave a man behind and do what you can with love, show love, defend and look after each other. Keep each other warm when the other is getting cold from the world. Put someone elses feelings first, and consider them, do whats right for them and help. Dont just let them sit and question, enter toil.

Day 8 Wine and Whiskey

I have been thinking a lot recently about the things that chnage and consume us. These things can really impact our lives in a negative way. Often making us look upon things and feel that we are wrong, that was make stains upon our lives and that we can beome angry that we are not having things the way that we want them to be.

Having a perfect picture in our heads doesn't, as I mentioned previous, always help up. Seeking to gain what we are to teh perfection will always lead to roads of distraction and disappointments. I discussed previously that sometimes in life the things that make the right ingredients, but with slightly muddled measurements can produce a distorted picture from what we originally had in mind, and from that find that we have something more fantastic than we could have imagined.

Having this combination of stains, hurts and wrongs in our lives helps us to mix something up that can be good. Sittting on them however can make the situations stew inside us and create something that is isn't what we, with our life song, are meant to be.

When people buy wine they can become very concerned about the age that the wine was originally brewed and then bottled. The longer that the mixture inside the wine has been there the better that it tastes. Whiskey is a different story, people will usually take teh same advice with whiskey as they do with wine, but the ingredients in that whiskey will never festa in to something better.

These two thoughts of wine and whiskey got me thinking last night as I spoke to a friend.

The difference with these two drinks are the ingredients. What they are and the brewing process that they go. My dad being an avid wine maker often comes up with some combinations that I would never buy as a wine in the shop, but they do seem to work when we drink them. I asked dad about this and he did say that not all ingredients would work. Some might have contents in them that could dramatically change the flavour and potentially ruin the taste of the wine. In time you can then only find out unless you have expereince in your corner and your already know that these combinations don't work.

This I thought was interesting, with experience in your corner you already know that the combinations don't work. There must be an awful lot of bottles of wine that have been stored that could be disgusting.

I suppose in life we are life this. We can allow these stains, hurts and wrongs brew inside us, create a combination that isn't going to do us any good. The longer that we allow them to brew inside us we run the risk of creating something even worse. I was mentioning in a prior post that we guard things that are no longer there, or guard things that we should let go of, I see this in teh analogy as a uncorking of the bottle.

What also got me thinking though was why doesnt the whiskey brew, and why don't we run the risk of it getting worse? I really don't know, and wont proclaim that I do. The only thing that would make sense to me though is that if the wine ingredients dont work with the inner chemical balance that maybe it is the chemical balance and ingredients with the whiskey. They are just right, and they sit happily together.

What a wishful thing that it would be to be a bottle of whiskey, having this inner chemical balance that helps the combinations of things in our life to sit well. Doesn't it feel more like the fact that we're a bottle of wine at times? But the truth is, the we do have a peaceful inner balance inside us, this inner balance can cleanse us from the bad ingredients that can spoil us.

I really hope that you all think about what you would rather be, a bottle of Whiskey that has this inner balance, staying as you are. Or are you bottling up something that doesnt sit right with you? Running the risk of the ingredients brewing badly inside us, waiting to be uncorked?

For me, I would like to think that I am a Whiskey, but I dont always see what others see, and actually feel more like a bottle of wine, brewing away. The difference is that I will always uncork, take away my guard, and let the mix out if I think its brewing incorrectly.Then, like my father I can look at it and say these ingredients didnt work and start again. I would rather be a young bottle of good wine, that one that has brewed and spoiled. What about you?

Day 7 - A Summary of teh week and ourselves

So this is day 7, a week worth of trying to write blogs on bettering ourselves and situations, opening our innerselves up to the world and allowing the world to see our true reflection. Through that showing constant love and patience. Life is hard, and as I stated in teh week we need to recognise that we can do better and can become better, the Bible is filled with stories about people who experienced new beginnings. Moses became a leader after being a shepherd for 40 years. Paul hated Christ until God renewed him and made him the greatest apostle of all time. Spiritually we should all be seeking to become a new creatures with an opportunity to learn a new way of living. But the first step to experiencing that new life is believing that it's available to you. Ephesians 4:23 says we must be constantly renewed in our minds and attitudes. It's easy to read about great people in the Bible and think that you are nothing like them, but when you start to think that, you need to renew your mind right away. Choose to think according to God's Word, Gods potential life song over us, not how you feel. Receive His love and experience a new beginning, by taking it in and reflecting it back to teh world. Life will become so much sweeter if you live with an attitude that says "God is completely changing me from the inside out. He's giving me a new beginning and there are greater things ahead." Too many things compete for our limited resources of attention, energy and time. I used to complain to God about my schedule being absolutely insane. I'd cry, "God, how could anyone be expected to do all that I have to do?" Or that life was unfair and all these situations where causing me more hurt. Then it hit me: I was the one who made my schedule and nobody could change it but me! I could no longer spend time wishing things were different because wishing wouldn't change anything. Look at your life and decided i neet to gain discipline myself in order to simplify my life. You'll have to do that too if you want life to slow down. Ask yourself questions and look at your life, showing you what commitments to make and which ones to turn down. It may be tough at first, especially if you haven't been disciplined in the past, but the rewards of order and restraint are worth the effort. The Bible says that discipline brings peaceable fruit. Begin disciplining yourself today, and you can begin to enjoy the peaceful life that God has waiting for you. We should be mindful that unrealistic expectations can quickly steal our peace and joy though. Remembering that we usually visualize a perfect day, with perfect people, and ourselves being perfectly happy in our perfect little world, seeing this perfect finished picture of what we should have and be but we all know that isn't reality. In reality, only God is perfect and the rest of us are under construction, always ending up being more happy accidents. The devil knows what steals our peace and he sets us up to get upset when our unrealistic expectations fall apart. After years of letting the devil steal my peace, I finally got it: Life is not perfect, and things are going to happen that we did not plan for and would rather not go through. My new attitude has become, "Oh well, that's life!" I have discovered that if I don't let those things impress me, then they can't depress me. And most of the time I am focused on other stuff that is going on that I let my guard down and allow him to steal the peace. Like the way we all seem to get sick with colds and flu when we're highly stressed. Although I will admitt that this is far easier than said, and I really need to take this on board again so much more. Everyone has to deal with inconveniences, but we can deal with them and avoid a bad attitude. Remember today that only God is perfect and trust in Him. He can always lead you past disappointing circumstances, strengthening you and helping you to hold on to your peace. The struggles are going to hit us straight on and sometimes might knock us down, but become better, realise that there is a greater potential and that you may not always know it, but through our accidents, hurts and any wrongs that might stain us that these are the moments that you're likely to remember most, the moments that create a better you. Life is always going to be an uphill battle we need to look upon it, ourselves and realise that sometimes we're going have to lose, but eventually we can say I have won, I am me.

Day 6 Getting the measurements right

I have been trying hard within this blog challenge to write themes to each week, I thought if i could do this, then hopefully it'll make each week easier to write. This first week came as an accident, and seemingly has been a week where I have looked at self betterment, trying to embrase ourselves and who we are. Soemtimes the best things come by accident. I have learnt that over the years that things really are not ever straightforward, and things come into our lives to knock us. Often these situations happen and we become distressed and lost within who we are. Because of this we try to counteract the disagreement within ourselves by putting protective posts and guards up. I tried to cover this in a previous post this week, how often the thing that we are trying to guard ourselves with no longer exists. Often through hindsight, and a lot of time, we can usually look back upon these events and see some good that has come from it. Showing and helping us to gain some personal growth. We often call these happy accidents, seeing how we have becoming better through our life experiences. When I was a teenager, I was in a horrific Ice Skating accident. I at times hide some of the details about that accident because people don't really need to know all the information. But from it, even though I was acting like a arrogant self seeking teenager, I can see that I have grown into the man that I am today because of the way further enhancement of the accident has allowed me to take growth. At the time though I was angry and hurt by the scenario, and stayed that way for a long time. In recent years one of the things that I have taken on theraputically is baking and cooking. My real masterpiece is a cheesecake. Easily made I know, but always a pleasure to make. The first time i made it I followed the measurements perfectly, measuring out on the scales the exact amount. By the end, I was overjoyed by the fact that I made something that looked exactly like the picture, and even better tasted great. Growing in confident, and again self arrogance, this bacame "my" dish to make for friends and family. Being poorly one day and deciding to make one to cheer me up, I contacted my dad and asked him to pick up the ingredients and help me make it. Dad, being dad, bought what he thought I wanted rather than following the shopping list. When he arrived I wasn't too happy that he bought the wrong things, and the worse was going to come, every time I gave him the instructions in what to do he changed it slightly. For example instead of a plain digestive and using half the pack, he bought chocolate digestives and used the pack, creating a thicker base. My dad didnt really have a clue what to do but follwed as well as he could. This continued. But the end the cheesecake looked like a distorted version of the one i made previously. But wow, it tasted fantastic, was fantastic in all aspects. The frustration and anger I had at the current situation had changed to being happy with the finished item. Since then I have always made my cheesecakes as dad did....obviosuly I still take credit for it. In life we can become so concious on teh correct measurements, trying to get everything perfect, trying hard to make the situation turn into the oicture infront of us. Accidents do happen, and they do have a way of shaping us for sure. But at times we need to ride it out and see what we get left with. Things may end up distorted to our original picture but as in life, things seem to work out for the best and shape who we are, and we could all with this become more, gain a real reflection of who we are that is far better than we ever anticipated. Try to look at the accidents in the past and be grateful to how they have made you distorted and have teh opportunity to be a better version of you.

Day 5 Needing a Bath

I have been trying to keep a positive refocusing kind of theme with these first 5 blog posts. I hope that I have acheived that so far, or at least made some of you think a little bit more about finding balance withing yourselves, making you look and evaluate yourseleves and what you're trying to reflect out to others. I bought a brand new pair of Converse Trainers last year, it was part of my new look, trying finally to break some deceptive decisions of others by my appearance. My sister in law at the time, being a slave to fashion herself, basically took me under her wing and said that I needed to change a little. The problem I had was being disabled I was brought up to dress comfortably, but within then believing if I am comfortable then it shouldn't nake much difference to my self esteem when people judged me on my health. I can see the logic there, but sadly, for a man in his 20's I started to dress like a man in his 40's, even possibly a bad dressed one. So, with that in mind i went with this new look. It was young, fashionable, and I for the first time felt that what I was wearing seemed more like me. Only problem with this, is that I dont usually buy nice expensive trainers, I often scuffed my trainers and ruined them quickly. So would never buy something fashionable or expensive for footwear. But once again I decided to try. So I was a owner of a pair of converse...ooooo. Within the first week, I was surprised how sturdy they seemed and how I was trying very hard to look after them. Then disaster struck. I wobbled with a cup of coffee and now they had a small coffee stain. I was determined this wouldn't be the end, so I bleached, vanished and cleaned them as much as possible. They were clean, the stain was barely visiable, i decided that I could deal with that. Wearing them out aagain, a guy dropped his pint of guiness next to me (who drops a pint honestly) and once again my new trainers were stained, covered, the stain looked far to gone. I was upset, so left them to one side. 4 months on, I decided that I needed to try cleaning them, they were still a good pair of trainers, after a week of bathing them, scrubbing them, and bleaching them, they were clean, as clean as they could be, with just the little look about them that they were old and "shadowed". This reminded me yeaterday of the topics I have been trying to cover with you all. When I was talking about our life songs, our lives are a way of amplifying are true nature, amplyifing Gods song that he sings over us. In life there are imperfections, even wrongs, wrong doings, imperfections physically and mentally and generally things that stain us. This reminded me of Esthers Story in the Bible. This young girl didnt realise that she was going to become Queen, she was a 14 year old girl, a girl that had become a refugee in the country that she was trying to call home, and as we know that she was probably living in poverty because of all that. At 14 years old, she was still young enough to make a difference change her potential (and as we find out that she does)she had a chance to take a look at herself and say I could be more, I am incomplete, but I could be more. (As we saw in my discussion on Day 3)We also know though that Esther was orphaned and had no parents, (we would assume that she lost these in the reason why she was now a refugee) Even at 14 years old, she would have been a far different 14 year old girl, to the types that we would see now in society. After everything she had been through, she would definitely be carrying some stains, having some guards up from past mistakes, and as discussed yesterday, probably guarding things that she really didn't remember the reason for. But she knew she had to. The King at the time, had basically sacked his Queen, she was no longer there for that position. He created a command and told the court to go forth and find young girls, young beautiful girls, that he could potentially be chosen for his next queen. We are all Esthers, and we can learn a lot about a few points in her story, small fine lines and verses to take note on. Many girls were chosen with Esther, many beautiful girls. Out of these girls the King chose his favourites and sought a beauty treatment for them all, assigning them all luxaries and service. (Sounds wonderful ladies) The first thing we need to see is that all the girls chosen would have been beatuiful, they wouldn't have chosen the ugly or disformed (judgemental) but when the King looked at all of these girls he was looking at the best and brightest on the beautiful list, so what made Esther stand out to be chosen? There must have been an inner beauty, that we all have the potential to have, reflecting out. (Even despite the problems she had before this point. Bad things happen, things can stain us, but instead of allowing this to shape her she had potential to have a better character.) The second point that I would like to make is that beauty reatment for the chosen lasted 12 months, 6 months of oils (murr) and 6 months of cosmetics. The preparation here would have been key here. Particularly the point of 6 months bathed in oil. Esther would have bathed in the oil, purfifying all aspects of things physically wrong with her body. 6 months, doesn't anyone else thing thats excesive? But think this way, it obviously worked or they wouldn't have done it, made her stronger and healthier. But she still had to compete with the other girls. These girls needed to have something amazing, again, it was what was inside her that mattered. 6 months in an oil bath, and 6 months in cosmetics (I spent a day shopping with my sister in law, that was hard enough, but 6 months of that and other cosmetic work doesnt sound ideal) A year in total, a year to stand infront of the king and be chosen. It seems such a long time. But sometimes in life the things of purest beauty come from the longest preperatation time. Take athletes, they train for fours years between olympics, to run a race under 9 seconds! We shouldn't be looking at the stains in our lives, and putting them aside for months and years before we clean them. Just accept that in time it will come out in the wash, it might be a wash that lasted a year or longer, purfiying the stain to be completely removed. (I have got issues and stains in my life that are still there, and have been there for at least 3 years) We are all like Esther, we all have the opportunity to become more, to become the voice for the voiceless, the strong standing person, to become royalty. We have bagage, we have things that stain us, sometimes they can be little stains, a drop even, and sometimes they can cover you. It can really be anything from rejection, identy issues, self esteem, being undermined, bullied or just some horrific life experiences that have abused your soul. But we shouldn't allow our past to dictate our future, Esther would not have been called a would be Queen at 14 but she had her potential. We can not control every aspect of what happens in our lives but be can control what happens next with this starting point, we can control our counter reaction. Try not to have a victim attitude, look at what could be rather than focusing on the problems and chips on our shoulders. We all can go from reject to roaylty. We all have that chance. For me I think I need to take a long soak in a bath.

Day 4 Making an list to improve

I was looking yesterday how two parts and if one part doesn't sit right then it can feel as wrong as playing a bad note in a song. So this got me thinking, What causes us to lose our peace? Lots of things, running around losing control, usually the little things, That's why it's so important to 'exercise' walking in peace every day. For example, you have to decide when to close your mouth and not be easily offended. And you have to be OK with being wrong sometimes. This is easier said than done at times. You can't just sit back and wish for peace, wish the devil would leave you alone, or wish that people would do what you want. The Bible tells us to actively pursue peace. You have to make up your mind to crave peace. Like What I was trying to say yesterday, knowing where you're feeling incomplete, try to persue to become more. Are you looking for a breakthrough in your life but no matter how hard you try, it's not coming? It's more than likely because you are not living in peace. So I urge you, crave peace, seek after it, and go for it with all your might! The problem that I see here is that the search of peace within us are usually trampled upon by mistakes of the past. We are usually left on guard trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. BUT in this protection, the guard that's protecting us can stop good coming in. So my next question is what are you doing? Don't Be Busy. Be Fruitful. Are you doing 'stuff' that isn't bearing fruit? Is busyness stealing your peace? I once heard of a guard who watched over a certain plot of ground at Buckingham Palace in England. For 100 years, 24 hours a day, that plot of land had been guarded. Finally, someone asked, 'What are you guarding?' He didn't know and simply said it had been under guard for 100 years. It turned out that 100 years ago, the queen had planted some rose bushes there and wanted to make sure they grew. Now, a century later, a guard stood where a rose bush once stood, guarding nothing. Are there things you're doing but you don't know why you're doing them anymore? God never called us to be busy. He called us to be fruitful. Too much pointless activity doesn't bear fruit and only stresses us out. Are the things that you're doing standing in the way, like a guard. Stopping you on your path, not being able to find the song of your life, find the right balance of peace in you. I encourage you to take an inventory of what you do throughout the day.( and who doesn't enjoy making a list?) You might be doing something God's not asking you to do, or something He was asking you to do but isn't anymo

Day 3 - Singing a song of love over our lives.

Singing a song of love over our lives. Being Valentines day yesterday, I decided to write a post about it, with the intent to get across the alternate view of love and that although a wonderful day to celebrate with a loved one that the loved one doesn't necessarily mean a partner. I tried very hard to focus in on some verses from the book of Corinthians that would show love and validate my view point. I do hope that it did that and that you all showed someone that you love your kindness, consideration cheerfully because you just love them. I was reminded last night though about a few things that I would like to explore with you. Isn't it amazing the things that come together throughout your day to remind you of a particular way of thinking. Yesterday, I wrote the blog post 'Day 2', so my mindset was loving others and and being considerate. Trying to encourage others and show love where possible. (Being the reflection of who I am) I had a very less productive meeting in the middle of the day that put me in a bad mood. Mainly, because at the end of it, the conclusion was that I was helpless. But then I saw a friends Facebook Status regarding a book that they had decided to read. A book by Paulo Freire called Pedagogy of the Oppressed, great book and really blew my mind when I read it many, many, years ago. But from what I remembered from it was that aspects of it were discussing the relationship between the Teacher, Student and then Society ideally looking at the combination of three for idealised ability to learn. There was one thing that was very distinct, it discussed about the concept of containing two overlapping parts that would create a whole, but yet distinctly two different points. One would quite happily use the example of the Human Body and the Soul, or in a better concept the Human Brain and the Soul. He also discusses in one point the argument between human beings being a “bank” of knowledge that is readily available to be filled by a teacher, then with the understanding that the oppressed could potentially have “less knowledge”, However his argument forms the basis that if an individual was aware of their own personal growth that they then have the ability to recognise their incomplete nature and could strive to become more. ( I do hope all of that makes sense, as I said it was a very long time ago that I read it and to be honest, its concepts escaped me in places, but I think I might have summarised as well as I can) Well, obviously seeing my friends facebook post, all of the above summary came running back to, and as always got me thinking. I was pronounced and labelled as potentially helpless, well with that understanding the fact that I have now been told that could mean I now have the option to strive for more and become filled with a potential that no longer makes me helpless. So how does this have anything to do with Valentines day, other than this was the day where this all happened to me? Hopefully you can all hang in there and my conclusion, for today, should all come together. Whilst doing my evening Bible reading, I remembered about the verse from Zephaniah 3, so thought I would check it out. 17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. 18 I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you will no longer suffer reproach. From this, it confirmed what I had thought and concluded about what God might want in the shape of love on Valentines day from us. Sometimes Gods love for us doesn't have to be loud and bold, it can be a quiet Love, or love that makes us quiet, a different love, but love none the less. It made me think that with me, us if you tried to do what I discussed yesterday, that on showing the reflection of ourselves through love that gladness will come, God will be pleased, That he will sing over us. There is some 'talk' that God has a life song for us, and when we make God happy that this life song will be sung over us. I know this can be a strange and wild concept that I know not even the best Christians would agree with, but in some ways it sits comfortably with me. It may just as well be the fact that as a music teacher its a connective point, but I think my understanding of music helps a little. When playing the piano, you can cover and play a combination of notes, keys, over a range of octaves, but as a piano teacher, often you'll find that the pupil in front of you will hit a wrong note, a note that doesn't show harmonic solution with the current sound, and it completely jars the flow of the piece. But what if we're like that? What if Freire has a point and there are two part of one whole, potentially our mind and our soul? Our soul in Christian terms is meant to be filled be God “He breathed in our soul” yet our mind has been filled by teachers and society. If we live our lives through love, but aware of our situation, our mistakes, as Freire pointed out, we can recognise our incomplete nature and potentially improve. See the mistakes as bad notes that you have played in life, whilst God sings his song over us, there are going to me moments where it will sound off key, out of place. Yet recognising it, improving, playing the song that should fit us, our mind and soul as could become whole. (and as I would say to my pupils, a little more practice always helps, but as the verse said, don't mourn the festival (especially if you see everybody around you dancing to their song) in doing so you will only suffer) Be happy, try to show love in whatever way, nothing is impossible and we have so much potential to become more ourselves, or to help others become more. Now help someone carry a tune today!

Day 2 Valentines day

So it has come to that time of year again. This year I am again single, but this year I'm confused (as I always seem to be)yet focused more (on who I am). As I previously stated in the post 'relationships and me', that being single isn't always the joy that its cracked up to be. I always seem to be in the friend zone, the place where I am awesome and amazing, caring and considerate. This is great for a reflection of my character though, yet last week it was pointed out that I'm not suitable, or ever will be, for a relationship because of outstanding issues. This person although nasty in their approach had a point. No one really wants the nice guy, they only want that as a friend, brother archetype. But what hurt me with this slight hidden message was the vengence that it was delivered, why was that even necessary? The concept that i might be unsuitable as a partner obviously makes me sad, at times does make me angry and wanting to change myself, but today of all days has made me realise that I do offer love and affection, just not always in the way of a partner. But It's still a selfless love, and who doesn't want that? I was reminded through my readings of 1 Corinthians. Where it states that love is patient and love is kind, it continues to explain other aspects of love. All of which I offer, but it doesn't say that this love has to be to a partner. As Christians, we should be a generous people, giving whatever we can whenever we can. And that doesn't just mean money, we can give help, encouragement, time, LOVE and forgiveness. This means we can't let selfishness get in the way. A lot of people are stingy, clinging to what they have and afraid to give it up. Others aren't stingy in their actions, but they are stingy in their hearts, giving because they feel obligated, not because they really want to. I have been called a mug or an idiot because I will often hide away my problems and bury them, however much they are a prominant thing at the time, and quite happily focus on helping others, supporting them through their times of need. I don't say this because I want thanks and praise, i would like to think that the people around me know that I don't want that. I do this, because I am kind, and for some reason it is what I can give to others, this is my servitude, I honestly want to help people, mainly the ones I care about (I know we should help everyone....I'm a work in Progress) But people kind of get blind sided with money and possesions,especially ona day like today, this isn't the way God calls us to give, or the way that God wants us to love. Second Corinthians 9:7 tells us, "God loves (He takes pleasure in, prizes above other things, and is unwilling to abandon or to do without) a cheerful (joyous, 'prompt to do it') giver whose heart is in his giving." If you think about it, when we give our lives to God, everything we have is His anyway, it no longer belongs to us. We should be givers, using our resources the way He wants us to. I see this and think, Would God give me a £2 card and some chocolates to show that he loves me, of course not. I like to think I do what God would do, and i try to invest in the person. Giving cheerfully all year round , showing them I care. I don't want you to get me wrong though, don't avoid days like today, if it motivates you to show you love someone then great. Just do it with passion, insight and cheerfully. Give cheerfully today. It pleases God, and those who give cheerfully are happy, fulfilled, and highly effective. On this conclusion, on this day, I will continue to show my reflection of my character and offer love, isn't that the point of today to show someone you love your love? It can be all sorts and a love for a partner, I still believe can come from this love even if that means me waiting). Try to start by Ignoring your past, ignoring your horrible fears and just say 'hey this person is awesome and I love them the way they are. Showing them that love, showing them room for more' with that we can truly experience love for one another and that love will grow as long as its not over shadowed by fear, worry or anger..like the person i mentioned at the beginning...these negatives are the only things I believe that truly affects your growth of love. Spend today, reflecting your nature and show love and kindness, selfless behaviour, remembering that you have love for others. Can we all do that? Remind people why we love them. Give it a try.

Day 1

I have decided to take on the task of blogging everyday for my lent challenge. A friend of mine tried this a couple of years back and didn't succeed, so I thought I would take on the challenge. I am needing a form of distraction at the moment, am also needing a reason to blog a bit more, so thought this solution may be a productive one. everyday may not be overly thoughtful, or thought provoking, but I thought what I would do is talk about my day, and try to process the events of the day or day before. Yesterday, I was referring to my comfort book of the bible, Ecclesiastes. The verses that jumped out for me was from chapter 3. A time for everything. Ecclesiastes 3:3 NIV a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, I really felt this verse jump out at me. The part of time to kill, seems a little hard, but it depends on what you're killing. For me I saw this as killing some of my issues that I have, finally putting them to rest. Easier said than done?? But through that I realised that only in doing so will it allow time for me to heal. I have been broken, although my journey has allowed a lot of time to heal, it is apparent how there is still open wounds. There wounds are still allowing me to feel hurt. I need to kill my ill's and allow time for these issues to finally heal. This subsequently will show me which aspects that I need to tear down, with that I can rebuild. I learnt years ago that sometimes we can build ourselves a house of cards, easy to knock on any occasion. If I can rebuild with this understanding I can build with a solid foundation. With these thoughts constantly processing, I hope that my time in lent will allow some killing, healing, tearing down and rebuilding. Hopefully with day to day references to allow this growth.