40 a day!

I heard the sentence this morning "40 a day is a shocking statistic"

The first thing that came to mind was smoking for me. My Dad smokes 30 a day, when I smoked (before I gave up) I would have smoked 15-20 a day. So to hear 40 a day, it just seemed a statistic for the average smoker, nowadays, which however sad, wasn't something that I was overly concerned with, I just assumed it was something in this current climate.


But before I turned over the channel the rest of the sentence saddened me even more so.


"I am in complete shock that 40 children a day are voluntarily given in to care in the UK."


This was even more of a shock, something that hit a personal place in my heart.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7843200.stm

This link shows a news report that suggests that 40 children a day are voluntarily put into care. In the report it looks upon the statistic that realistically the increase is due to the amount of troubled and uncontrollable teens.

However the statistic is spun for the reader I still found this a shocking amount and on a personal level it really rattled a few emotions up that I had buried.

At the age of 4 months I was put in to care and voluntarily given up. I stayed in care for a year and then although was replaced into a new family of care, after a few months this family eventually became my adoptive parents.

My circumstances I am sure are common for many that are put up into care, but it still was a sad situation.

My birth mother, unmarried, was dating my birth father, but on the soon arrival of me she was in the act of "relations" with another man, this act, although owned up to, was the reason why my late teenage parents separated. My mother ended up being in a relationship with another man, whose family is often then entangled up later on in the family and siblings web of history!

This new partner, although friends with my father, had abused me several times, with my mother often walking to his or back home at silly hours in the morning with me not dressed, the police and social services soon got involved. Putting her in a protected home for young mothers, we would assume that she would have got the support to care for me the way she should, but alas, she continued to see and choose her new partner over me, with him not wanting anything to do with another mans child, I was soon abandoned at the mothers home and voluntarily put into care.

From reading social reports and a variety of adoptive records of that time regarding my adoption, i can see that it was the best choice, she was mentally unprepared to be a mother, and although many people say that the natural instinct to be a parent comes, for her it didn't. These are always sad circumstances, of which I can see that the best outcome has availed.

In care, my abuse was increased and without going into too much details I was subject to a lot of things that a young child shouldn't have been exposed to.

When children are abused and then subsequently put into care we can so quickly justify that the child will have a better life outside of the birth family home.

I am a prime example of this, my life has been brilliant (regardless of health) I have been brought up into a loving family and because of this I have been privileged.

But reading the link that these parents just didn't know how to deal with troubled teens that they decided to call the social services to "deal" with the child, I really don't know how I feel about it, to be honest I feel quite angry.

I chose to have my children, whatever the circumstances, the decision was made and because of it these children are my responsibility to bring up and show what is right or wrong. Then therefore to deal with if they "run of the rails"

I am not judging these parents because I don't know the ins and outs of their circumstances, but the statistics on the facts that it is down to the teens being "troubled" troubles and angers me.

But is this something new? something that society has lead to?

In the Bible you see the example that Moses was hidden (for his protection) and then collected by the Pharaohs Daughter, and when he was older he was adopted. But when Moses grew up we see in Exodus 2:15 we see that even though Moses has been adopted into the family, he is not what the family expected, he runs off the royal tracks and starts to misbehave. (OK, he kills somebody) the Pharaoh, his adoptive grandfather not investigating just put an order out to kill Moses. Poor Moses has now been abandoned twice.

In 1 Kings 11 we see another case of a family leaving a child and the child boy Hadad being brought up by the Pharaoh of the day.

We see in Esther 2 that Mordecai had adopted his cousin who was parent less (unknown reasons)

In the Roman culture we see that Usually a man without natural offspring would adopt male as son. Seldom an infant. Young men sometimes adopted out of slavery; redeemed from such into privilege of son. We are also aware that Natural fathers sometimes "sold" a son to adoptive father.

Point to early questionable Roman practise of natural father "setting a goal" for his son, who then could reach that goal at age 14, 18 or 21 and be "placed as an adult son" into manhood. They emphasise that "adoption" is not the "making of a son," but the "placing of a son." God, the Father's, "longed-for goal" for Christians is that we be "conformed to the image of His Son" (Rom. 8:29).

So we can see that the practise of adoption and putting children into care of others has been around thousands of years. But it is in the last part that I raise the point that I think is wrong. In Roman tradition they would have a goal, target or expectation to set for the child, the "longed for goal" Do we still have these goals today? Of course we do, and I personally wonder if because of this are we still following the same practise? We are setting children longed for inherited goals and when the child doesn't meet them, and in some cases go completely opposite to them we see them as troubled, instead of sitting and managing the problem, we pass it off to someone else.

I have a happy ending to my adoptive story in care. But there is two things I want to mention, the first is that after my adoption, my birth mother has three more children, and my birth father another one, between them both my four siblings all at some point ended up into care, all at different ages. The sad truth here is that the same mistakes were made over and over again, each time the child wasn't being met with a caring and productive up bringing that unfortuantely meant that they led into care. For some of them, they were still in care by the age of 12 and the likelihood that they were adopted would dwindle, all because they were too much hard work and trouble for the parents.
My second point is an experience as a teacher: I once taught a young child who was in foster care, unaware at the time that they were we chatted about parents. (I was completely unaware or I would have avoided it) This young child told me their circumstances that their parents didn't want them anymore because they were trouble, the more I eventually investigated into this child I found that they were basically telling me the truth. I came home that day devastated, because they said said "hey ho, I'm not like the others, I'm too old to be wanted by others" This child, in the time that I taught them was one of the brightest and lovely children I have ever met, with realistically a little cheekiness to them that really was a character trait not a flaw.

I thought that this child was a one off, that I was relating to them because of my personal experiences, what is sad for me is that they were not a one off. Apparently 40 a day! 14,500 children a year are put into care voluntarily.

It is just sad and I pray for them all.

Drinking

I am teetotal.

I stopped drinking on New years day after a friend decided to stop and asked for support along the way.

Drinking is something that I struggle with, some would even say that I was an alcoholic. I would drink everyday, usually at least 3 cans of Fosters a day sometimes up to 6 cans a day, along with this I would also drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself. This is incredibly excessive drinking.

It has always been justified by myself and others around me. I have a happy world of people who enable me.

My health problems cause me to have a lot of muscle pain, due to this pain it is often difficult for me to sleep, with most painkillers being quite useless when trying to take away some of the deep ache that my muscles have.

I also seem to get myself in lots of situations, which are often funny and is often at the centre of most of my social life's and friends jokes.

A friend of mine Hollie moved in with me a few years back, after becoming friends with Candy at University.

Candy would be at work, Hollie and I would crack open a bottle of wine, and  enjoy the evening. This one evening, we opened a bottle of red and had the music on whilst we danced or "wicked" around the front room, Hollie soon knocked over a glass of red, going over the wood floor. This and with me being the least steady on my feet there was a moment when I almost went flying. We joked that it would have been amusing for Candy to come home and find me laying on the floor, with an apparent red liquid leaking underneath me. What would have Candy assumed had happened?

On one of my many drinking nights out with my cousin Darren, we had a "few" too many drinks. When we knew this would be the case, Candy would set up the sofa bed in the front room for me (we never slept in the same bed if I was drinking)

I came into the bungalow and went flying onto the floor, Darren in a similar drunken state tried to help me up, but alas he couldn't. Now looking back I can't remember whose brilliant idea it was to drag me along the wood floor to the sofa bed, but whoever it was the action started. Darren pulling me along whilst I try my hardest to keep still to make it as easy for him as possible. One problem started to occur, Friction, the more Darren pulled the more my jeans went down, and slowly my underwear with it. Now this being the case, Dareen stops and tries to help the jeans go back up, whilst I tried to pull my underwear up. Now you have to use your imagination here, there are two men, one on the floor with his jeans around his ankles and pants going in the same direction. The other man is bent and buckled over with what can only be seen as him having a grip on these jeans. Got the image in your mind? At this point Candy comes out of the bedroom, takes one look at me and Darren and say "Do you two want to be alone?"
OK, we laugh about it now, but you get my point, I often, very often, find myself in situations that I later regret, even if they are funny afterwards.

I am almost 30, yet just before the New Year I found myself in a similar situation, it was another one of embarrassment that I am sure we will laugh about later on in life. But for me it was enough. I shouldn't keep getting myself into these situations, and they happen a lot, not because of the excessive drinking but also because of my health, I need to start being more responsible, but with an ever changing illness it is difficult to learn what my body can and cannot take with alcohol.

So when my friend Sean offered this no drinking pack, a promise to stop for God, it seemed right, right for the time.

I am finding it ever so difficult though. Most of the time it is probably just a habitual thing, I often find when Eastenders starts that I am reaching across for a drink (but then it is Eastenders, who doesn't reach across for a drink?) or with dinner I suddenly realise I am missing the companion I have got with dinner. Then I go to bed, the laying there, the feeling I have. And it isn't a emotional feeling, it is the fact that I am feeling, I can feel my legs, the pain and ache in them.

A few things have come about from stopping that I thought I would share.

Headaches.
I have been getting more headaches since I stopped drinking. I can only put this down to two things, one the amount of fluid that is going into my body. I would assume that even with alcohol that I am still inputting more liquid into my body than I possibly am now. Dehydration is still hydration and will always affect you in someway. So I will see if I can just drink more, and see if this helps. Also the Sugar level. There is a lot of sugar in alcohol and because of that, with the amount of drinking that I did one would assume that my body is missing a lot of sugar intake. (Although I am not sure if this will help my headaches)

Sugar
I know I just mentioned it, but I crave sugary things. This is rare for me, because I don't eat cake, chocolate or biscuits, but I am craving them now, craving an extra sugar in my coffee. But I wont supplement one thing for another, so I am trying to balance what I eat but at the same time i am not allowing sugar or sugary treats to replace the drinking.

Weight loss.
I seem to have dropped weight in some places, around my stomach and around my face. It may have been only two weeks, but I didn't realise how much calories I must have been putting into my body with the amount of drinking I was doing.

So, that's about it really, yes it is hard, yes I am struggling, but I will try to persevere because I know in the long run it will benefit me, I will try to keep you informed of whats going on or what thoughts I have about it, but in the meantime, keep me in your thoughts or prayers and I know it sounds silly but encouragement goes a long way, especially if I am having a weaker day.

Thinking or meditating? Bad or Good?

I was asked by a friend if I wanted to help him, and support him, this year and give up alcohol with him. I drink quite heavily, I use it to help me sleep as I get quite a lot of sore muscles at night and the alcohol relaxes me enough to sleep. I thinking i was drinking too much last year gave it up for lent and lasted the 40days and nights, not even allowing the so called "Sunday allowance" So, obviously giving it up for longer will be harder, but worth a challenge as the drinking has been bothering me again.

I'm 6 days in and finding it hard! I sit in the evening and the thoughts of drinking comes into my mind. And the distraction technique of praying, reading the Bible or trying to recite something you have read earlier is just about working.

But it got me thinking last night. How often do you just think?

I think to much, I get so many negative thoughts in my mind.

I have been thinking about meditation, I try so hard to think and meditate on the positive things, but the bad jumps back in.
I know where these bad thoughts are coming from and I even try to push them down, often pleading to God not to allow these thoughts to be happening.

But then I get a good thought, which I am thankful to God for, but it is keeping hold of it.

But is that the point? Is it meant to be difficult? I spoke earlier in 2011 about life being a war, and then how often we are caught up in the spiritual warfare. I concentrated on the concept that its bigger than we know. But it is often also the little thoughts that are hitting away at us that can make the battle hard, wearing us down slowly.

2 Corinthians 10v4-5

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.So really we can fight the negative thoughts that we have enter our minds, but it just isn't that easy. Or at least I don't find it that easy.

It doesn't take me that long to be thinking negative things, putting myself down and then entering a spiral of self hate, and hate of others. But I don't want to be that way. I want to be better, I want to be more Christ like, I want to fight.

I find it easier to hold on to the negative things people say to me or about me, rather than the good. So why on earth am I meditating on the bad rather than the good? But it captures me so easily. Even when I pray and ask God for help when I realise that I am doing it (Most of the time I don't realise it until I'm deeper into the thoughts, thinking of anger, sadness even at times revenge)

But God is aware how difficult the little things would be, how easy it if to fall.

In Proverbs 12v15-16 it warns us of such. The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.

The strange thing is that I know i am valued and I know that I am loved. I just forget it, mainly because I don't value myself. As the saying goes "One mans rubbish is another mans treasure"

How right is that, of course I think little of myself, I only think in little terms, can rarely see in big terms, and that is why the little thoughts are the ones that bother me. But the truth is that God sees in big terms, He sees me in big terms, and although I think I am rubbish and rubbish for God, that He sees a treasure. Why else would He send Jesus to die for us?

He wants us to be the best we can be for Him.
But I know this, you know this, but I still struggle, I would hope many of you still struggle, like I do.

I need to quit wishing that things were different, that I am different, then these thoughts wouldn't be so easy to creep in.

In Daniel 4v35 it says
All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?"

God doesn't see us as nothing, God sees the bigger picture and sees the good in us, even when we can't see it.But how often do we do the last bit, and ask why? Why are these things happening? Why am i sick? Why didn't I get that job or interview? Why did that person die?

These whys are valid questions, but often hanging on and even asking these questions can get other negative connotations attached to you thoughts. Don't pray to God asking Why. Trust Him more. Don't be confused, mentally searching for the right thing, the thing that is right or real, as often this is what is making you realise what is wrong and fake, and again these are the things that attach to our thoughts, that expand like a negative balloon.

So, how do I get out of the negative cycle?

I honestly don't know. I don't have all the answers, but I am not going to ask why, because I will just try and trust. I will try to meditate and let the positive things expand more in my mind, of course holding on to the good for as long as you can will help. Letting the light burn bright for as long as you can will help keep the darkness away. But I will also try to better myself, by having a better relationship with God, experiencing Him will only mean experiencing His love. But only by changing things that will allow this better relationship. I will try to value myself more, not worry so much, try to get some balance in my life, not to work too much, to give myself a break. I will make sure I have boundaries around me, with a good gate to allow the good in, but to keep out the bad, the people who help the negative thoughts come in, who honestly do not care for you in a way that they should.

I was told my a (differnt) friend (also my vicar) that sometimes you need to make sure your well is being filled by God, if you are constantly giving. I will try to do that, let God fill me more rather than having an empty well that can be filled by rubbish that God doesn't want in me.