This is no sob story, this is just my story.

I am always very careful to open up to people, really open up to them. It isn't just because I am a man and have trouble conveying information, because if you truly ask me a question I will always give you a direct honest answer, but who really asks?

I don't share too much because I don't ever want people to see my life as a sob story, because it isn't I do honestly feel that I have achieved so much in my life and that I have lived it well. Several things have been playing on my mind recently and because of that they have got me thinking about my position in life and because of that, I feel that it is time to share.

But why share some of the most personal things in my life and on blogger? I am so ashamed of some of the things I have done in my life or have been involved in that I suppose that some of it is easier on here as I am hiding behind the computer. But I also hate repeating myself so this would be a good way to share with my loved ones who read this. I also want people to realise that it is immensely difficult being a human, but even more that it is difficult being a Christian at the same time because people see you differently, have higher expectations of you, you even end up having higher expectations of yourself and with that I hope that you will be able realise that we are just all human.

I often get people telling me that they admire me and that I am brave. I am not, I take the easy way (often the bad way) out. I know at times that bravery is being scared, digging yourself in and standing through the difficult times. But with age I am changing, turning more away from the person that grew and inspired so many with my "get up and dust myself off behaviour". With that I also get people telling me they think it is fantastic for someone with so many obstacles to still be smiling.

These are obviously wonderful comments, encouraging me to keep going, showing me the respect that others want to offer.

My smile is often a mask, who doesn't have a mask or shield of types? I struggle to put that smile on and seem to be changing more and more.

I went to an all day men's fellowship conference with CVM and Newwine. It was great. But there was one talk discussing about men being like a good strong bull being warn down until they're tired and then speared. Men are strong tough creatures who can often get up and dust themselves off, but will often still walk around with their spear still inserted into their back, because we're tough men. Even at times when we are aware that we need to remove that spear that the wound may still be left open and may be being infected and poisoned by remaining splinters. So, I have prayed that I need my splinters to be removed so I am.


So where do I begin?

I suffer from Depression.

That was probably the best start as my depression brings me down to a massive crash and is interlinked with so much.

I wake up some days and don't want to get out of bed; I hate the concept of even moving, having a million things rush through my mind about things that I would struggle with i.e my health. I try to do things that people suggest, like setting up triggers to make sure I get up. I create a routine to stick by, this helps to not allow too many surprises and also keeps my mind off negative thoughts. Although these things are set up to help me, to help me cope, they are a struggle, they are a real effort because I get into the state of mind that is difficult to do ANYTHING.

So, why I am I depressed? That is an interesting thing that I often think about. I was once told that " I have nothing to be depressed about, I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids, a home, I have achieved so much" These things are true. Very true. But there is so much that is in the background, and I suppose that is one thing that I felt I needed to share on here.

I wake up every day with dread. I hate getting dressed or needing help to get dressed. I need help cleaning. I need help in everything. This knocks my pride, knocks it a lot, I am an adult, we get brought up to become independent, to stand on your feet and face the wide world. But being disabled you end up losing that, everything about self learning is thrown out. You get smothered and coddled, you get treated as a child. As an ex-teacher this stands up even more for me, when we would teach children the social and personal care of getting dressed independently by the age of 7. So that as an example fills me with dread.

But, then you have the falling.

I fall, everyday, If I am truly blessed by God at that awful time then I am thankful I don't hit anything on the way down that will cause me more problems. When you're on your own you feel so isolated and vulnerable. It is scary. You never know what your day will be like, but you know it is at least going to happen, so you pray for the best outcome when it does.

But, for me the worst of all is the loneliness that you end up having with it. Strange considering I am married, have a wonderful group of friends, churched or not. But you are alone. I have a strong faith and know that my God is always with me, but at times I need that loving look from a friend or family, the comfort and support. Which isn't always available. You can't work so you do not have the luxury of seeing people in the day, and then the sad truth is that you can not always restrict the movements of your family when you have two small children (as i do). So with that, you are left alone. You try to make up by doing active things beyond normal work hours with friends and community but with health issues you get tired and then it isn't always practical to go out in the evening. Even when you desperately want to. With all of the above knowing, I hope that it is understandable that I don't always want to get out of bed.

When things get out of hand (and it can take the smallest thing, like with most people, usually a misunderstanding, but with depression comes commonly paranoia, so the littlest things are so easily big things) I struggle to cope, I have bible verses to repeat, I have friends who I text, and activities to help me focus. This helps 90% of the time. 10% of the time I self harm. It is not something I am proud of, and very very few people know, because many people don't understand and publicly it is massively frowned upon and misunderstood. Why do I do it? It is a distinct idea of feeling so lost and distanced from the world that it almost alienates the depersonalisation and dissociative state. It hurts, makes you realise you can feel. I cut and "scratch" as the Doctors state. I starve myself and often drink very heavily. Anything to change the scenario that I am currently in. I feel guilty after, every time. Especially when I realise that I am not alone and that God was there with me.

Being brave as I said is standing up when you have fallen and dusting yourself off even when you are scared and don't want to. I use to be good at this: I wanted to prove people wrong when they saw me. I tried to shape and craft my career, home life and family, as well as my education to prove that I am more than capable, more than disabled, if anything I am able.

Knowing how your life will change (medically presented and without divine intervention) scares me more than death itself. I know that seems strange but knowing how my health will change and how it will be progressively worse makes me more scared of living.

I want peace.

It is one of the reasons why I am still an active Christian, because I believe God will bring me that peace. With that peace I pray for rest, no more fighting or arguing, no more having to struggle. I have for the last 16 years done nothing but fight, argue and struggle and although this has been a source of inspiration for others it is getting tiresome for me. This alone is a very heavy burden for me to carry, which on many a times I give it to God, but it (by the means of Satan) is always returned to me. I pray to God everyday to grant me that peace, that rest, if for anything so I can enjoy my Boys before I get too sick to enjoy their company.

So, as I said, this isn't a sob story,this is more of an unmasking.

And for anyone who self harms and comes across this post, just know 1: that you're not a lone. 2: I know, really know, that it is difficult but tell someone, because like the first point, you're not alone.