Going in Depths to find a Panther

I sit every day and ponder so much.

I really try to find ways for me to escape myself.

People are such funny creatures, I sometimes get so easily aggravated by them that half the time I spend thinking I am concerned and angry at them for their own oblivious thoughts and actions.

I know who I am, I honestly can say that I do, there are many levels and layers to me, I put up many guards and barriers for a number of reasons yet I still know who I am.

Do you?

Many people if they were being honest would say no, they don't, probably wouldn't know where to start, that doesn't mean that they are unsure of their current life path, or that they are constantly battling with the concept within themselves, they could quite happily be living their lives, with things that make them happy, but this could still leave them to be undecided and unsure of who they truly are. Yet ultimately living in the now, the moment.

People often assume so much when it comes to me, assume that because I act a certain way, talk a certain way, my walking, my health my faith and my religion that they can make such big assumptions. They think that it is right that they should act and treat me a certain way. Why do we do this? Why don't we just sit and learn about the person that is in front of us rather than being a society that relies on first impressions, which ultimately annoy us and to top it off we are brought up against such things with phrases such as "Don't judge a book by its cover".

I know I have harped on so many times about knowing people that are in front of you, I know that I talk about the one to one relationships, but I know for me that these relationships are what keep me alive, literally sometimes. Do we assume that we know a famous artist because we have stared at his painting for half an hour, or do we admire the work that has been set before us, only hoping for a brief glance at a moment in this artists life.

I hear the sentence "I can never imagine what you go through with your health Martyn" an awful lot, yet this sentence will often follow with " But I have a....." and I will find that there is a related story, aliment, illness that this person is trying to help build a connective bridge to me with. I love that they do this, they are trying, trying to build an opening to me, to share, but at exactly the same time this sentence gets my back straight up and defencive, I would love to scream at times "NO! No you can never imagine what it is like", but I don't, I sit and smile at the attempt at relating. But is that right? I wonder what other scenarios would play out like, a man and women; man " yeah I understand what childbirth is like, I once had this splinter that had to be extracted!" How would that be taken? Or to a member of a different race: "I once went to school with someone like you and they were really funny because.." Would that go down well? We don't do this because it is wrong. We shouldn't list a mountain of reasons to find a connective rather than actually create one itself by learning about the person not by just assuming you know them. Bea blank page,and just talk and learn.

No one can really tell me what my life is like, what makes me so openly depressed and suicidal, or what makes my so happy and excited, because of the truth be known no one apart from me and God truly knows who I am. People have come close, some know the next words, thoughts and actions and enjoy the intense relationship that truly knowing a person can be like. Some people will truly love me and see the strength inside me and want to attach themselves to it, making the relationship so strong but in the balance so vulnerable to the opposing person. It is people like this that I try and strive to have in my life, people who I would go to the depths of hell for and they would do the same, your personal saints and angels always looking after you.

If you want to know me ask, but the truth is I can tell you right now. I am trapped within myself, trapped within a body that doesn't work, however much I pick myself up and dust myself off and get "on" with life. My mind being frustrated at the continual loss that I suffer.

People who know loss, who have lost someone will know the feeling, the incapable feeling that they can't seem to do what they want because for some strange moment they seem restricted because of a thought, trapped within loss. And the people who don't know this feeling, it isn't your fault because it only occurs when you realise that you love something more than you love yourself. I love the fact that God gave me life, I love my boys and the life that I have with them. But yet I sit everyday fighting the battle where some ground of mine is lost, mentally or physically.

People may look at me and see a confident disabled man, who gets on with his life, who greets you with a smile, who laughs and makes light of the things in his life. Who will run around for everyone else, trying to make them realise that he is "normal" and making them realise that they are loved. When in truth, I feel trapped and scared, childlike and incredibly lonely. Yet people who do see this side, suddenly become scared and confused themselves and this is where the above mentioned vulnerability comes in. It is an horrendous feeling, because this person is a person with a certain amount of connective love and power over and for you. This is a person who looks directly at you and can rip your entire world apart. It can be hard to cope with that responsibility. But I am willing to take that risk, for someone, for lots to come in and take that risk with me. I always feel that my life is like the poem by Rainer M. Rilke, The Panther. Caught and trapped, a daily battle and only ever having people come in and out of my life, some that touch my heart, but often when they do they are then gone:

His vision, from the constantly passing bars,
has grown so weary that it cannot hold
anything else. It seems to him there are
a thousand bars; and behind the bars, no world.

As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,
the movement of his powerful soft strides
is like a ritual dance around a center
in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.

Only at times, the curtain of the pupils
lifts, quietly--. An image enters in,
rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles,
plunges into the heart and is gone.

How many others feel like I feel? Either let yourself open up or try and build the close relationship and bond with the people around you. Don't become a  fleeting image that touches someones heart and is later gone. Help maintain your friends.

Would you wipe my feet?

I have had a strange few weeks, but I have been really grateful the people around me, my friends and my family.

I was sitting in church this morning and listening to a talk which was combined with Mothering Sunday and the story of Mary washing Jesus' feet with perfume.

How strange this concept now would be.

I struggle thinking of this scene. Jesus at this point was "collecting" a following, this was one of the reasons why Jesus knew of Mary, Martha and Lazarus, as we only see earlier in the book that he raised Lazarus from the dead. This family would obviously have been thankful and would have felt that they owed something to Jesus.

A few things stand out for me: First of all we read in John 12:1-8 that Lazarus, the man who was saved by Jesus is actually reclining at the table relaxing with Jesus disciples. Secondly, it was these women that asked, witnessed and then thanked Jesus for the kindness of raising Lazarus, this would have formed a greater boned, a greater understanding and a greater love towards Jesus.

It is amazing that this looks at the one to one relationship, it must have been strong for Mary to feel that she could exhibit that closeness through her actions. Would you comfortably wash someones feet? In your saved funeral perfume, that would help "cleanse" your body? something that would cost a years salary, as Judas kindly points out, would you after such a giving bend down and wipe someones feet?

I only struggle with this because this is such a loving gesture that is coupled quite happily with trust that it makes me question if 1: Would I do this for someone? 2: would someone do this for me?

This clearly would have been a BIG thing for them to do so how often do we just think about the little things that could cheer someones day up? Sometimes for me it is the smallest moments of interaction that shows that I have been in someones thoughts, or even at that very moment that they are concentrating on just being so welcoming around others.

Have you ever seen that person at a party, or even in a crowd, that when they are there, it is a "HERE I AM" type of person? or How often do you start telling the person in front of you a story about something that has happened to you, to then hear the person to jump in the middle of your conversation and go " Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about, this one time with me" Your friend has a story that relates to yours and the topic of your event suddenly gets dropped and is now focused on the event of your friends! We have all been in that scenario, we have all probably been that friend. I know I do it, I do it all the time! I hate when I catch myself doing it too! Does it bother you as much as it bothers me?

Of course it does, we are a society where we are now finding it more and more uncomfortable to talk to others and to relate to them. We are brought up to find mutual ground, to find some connective with the person in front of us to put us to ease in this on going distant techno - relationships world.

Facebook, however great it is, is not helping us truly step forward to the oncoming years for Evangelism. Lets have a look at the stories in the Bible: every one of key significance was a gathering. When Jesus appeared to the disciples on the beach, where they sat around a fire and ate fish, what would be the relevance of that now? Jesus signed on to Facebook, where he put twelve of his friends under chat and said 'hi guys I am back!'? Or that he created a social event called 'fish supper at the sea'?

I know this is just an extreme way of looking at it, but I always found that the beauty of Jesus and the twelve disciples was the fact that they sat and spoke to one another, they had that personal relationship, and it was this relationship that inspired others to follow. I can just imagine the disciples going off to tell the world of their friend, and the love that is in their eyes for that relationship.

I know I have told this story before but fell over at home once (it was horrible): I had gotten up really well and was planning on going into the kitchen to get a drink. But my legs twitched and I buckled over, tried to support myself with my arms, which also twitched and then headbutted the floor. Laying there with my arms trapped underneath me, not being able to move, I saw out of the corner of my eye my phone on the arm of the chair. That will be the point of my rescue. If I lay here long enough I can rest, pray to the Lord for recovery, and he will bring me peace in that time, and then when ready I could try to get my phone and call for help. Although the next thing to happen, happened with no contact at all, no technology. My brother randomly walks around to the back door, lets himself in, which from this point of view must have been a very strange thing as he see me laying locked on the floor. He grabs under my arms and by my belt, flings me up in the air to standing, calls me a fat so-and-so and then says 'sorry, I was just down the road working and I needed the loo' at which he runs up stairs to the toilet. He then comes down, shouts bye and off he went back to work.

No questioning-no worry. He had that relationship with me that he didn't call first to check that it was ok, he just knew he could let himself into my house and go to the toilet.

The more and more I thought about this, the more I realised that not only was God present right there in that moment, but that it wasn't the technology that helped. It was Him. I have been told over and over that Facebook has allowed relationships to regrow by connecting people over distances, but isn't this techno relationship a poor substitute for their actual company? A picture of your sisters newborn the same as holding them for the first time? If i had my phone it would have probably been my brother that I had rung, but the feeling between us wouldn't have been the same-the nature of phones being what they are, it would have been punctuated with small talk, but our relationship is so much deeper than that.

I was very lucky and blessed that day because of the specific relationship I have with my brother. Was that relationship created through us being facebook friends? Or because we shared a bedroom and played together for most of the childhood, we lived, played, ate and laughed together? The same way Jesus did with his disciples and the life that they had with each other.

I am not saying cut the technology out either, I am well aware that this technology is here to aid us. If it means people can read the bible on the move, or connect with long lost relatives from around the world at a cheaper more accessible way. Then great.

In that social interaction choose who you want to be with them. Choose how you want to treat this person that is in front of you. Encourage them.

Encouragement of doing something right . This is the best way to attack and fight back against the attack of accusation and temptation, especially in the time of Lent for those who took it, but also in life in general, where we get so much just thrown in our direction. Christian or not, how often do you see a smile come on to people's faces when you encourage them and say something nice to them. You often here that if you say good morning or smile at someone first thing in the morning that they continue to smile or are polite to others throughout the day. Spreading the love. At what cost was it to you that you encouraged someone, saying something nice doesn't cost you a thing, and you never know that you saying a word of encouragement might tip the internal war and fight that the person is going through.

Jesus would have been a wonderful guest, fully present and 100% into that one person, the individual in front of him. He would have asked him the question " Tell me more" and as Jesus would, He would have seen him, like he saw him up the tree.

How often have you allowed someone to talk about something you have enquired about, they often feel happy and will have a smile on there face. Tell me more.

God is interested in all of us, all of us on an individual level, we too should be this interested in others, be open to all because God is in all of us and He loves us all. Show the world this and ask the question and make a statement. Tell me more.
So finally, encourage your friends, show them love, be willing to wipe their feet, and instead of being a person who keeps the conversation on to themselves, try to be a "There you are" person and ask a simple question when talking with a friend....."Tell me more!" I still stand by my statement from last year and say that these three words could change the world.

If I wereGod, I'd end all the Pain

I am currently half way through a very thought provoking book and I thought that I would share some of the things that I have read so far. In some places I agree and some I disagree, yet if I am completely honest there are sections that I haven't made my mind up with.

The Book is called "If I were God, I'd end all the Pain" by John Dickson

The first few chapters try to explain why the author has some views on this topic, explaining his personal experiences, where his father died in a plane crash when he was young.

This was a very interesting start, one that I was hopeful with, yet he immediately distracts from this and enters into the topic of coping strategies that other religions may consider using when dealing with suffering, it is some of these points that I wish to discuss. In general these chapters that I have read are quite a difficult read, not from a literately point of view but from the fact that the author is asking some deep, difficult and uncomfortable questions.

The most difficult concept being the argument that a God who allows sickness, suffering and death is not a God worth worshipping, or that He is a weak God, unable to control His chaotic world.

I have come across this main argument before, if I am honest I use to argue it!

There is usually 2 main logical assumptions.

1: That God is an all powerful God who CAN end suffering and therefore being all loving would also desire to end it. So logic would permit that if God is an all powerful and all loving God that wants us not to suffer, then there mustn't be a God because we are a world that suffers.

2: An all powerful God exist, an all loving God exists (the same premise as before) Yet in this option, God, must have a more loving reason to allow the suffering.

As a Christian the above points and assumptions are difficult to swallow, and at times difficult to answer. Mainly with the question being raised "Why would God allow it?"

I do not and will not ever believe that we are being punished and that is a result of a parent scolding a child, I just cannot believe that a God who sent His son to die for us so we can have a better life, would be like that. Why send Jesus in the first place if He wants to punish us?

The Book investigates the concept as suffering as balance, in basic terms, how most people see Karma, one counter reaction balances out another way.

If, for example, a person broke up a family home, then they would start having an existence of suffering then one could assume that the suffering has balanced out. (Almost a revengeful way) This too I find difficult, Why would that be necessary when we have a God who forgives? However, according to this book, this is a concept that is difficult to intellectually disprove. The author states:

"If i were to accept my suffering is divinely sanctioned balance for my wrongs, is it possible to find consolation in my pain? At one level, comfort may be found in thought that some of my prior sins have been balanced out, and therefore one experience of deserved suffering is out of the way."

I find this above statement incredibly disturbing. I can not see rationally why people can see this as a valid argument?! Especially when you consider my health problems, does that therefore mean that I am suffering because of my prior wrongs? I find that difficult only because I was born with this illness, and I was under the impression that we were generally born "clean" (I will clarify this statement of clean later). Can this also answer why a mother is suffering at the loss of a death of a child? mmmm....I doubt it.

This above point was one that I read, disagreed with strongly and found it then difficult to carry on reading. How do you feel about it?

The next point that really got me thinking is this, Desire.

Desire for something is such a strong emotion that it is usually attached to other emotions; Love and desire, hate and desire (for revenge) grief and desire (to see you loved one again) Sadness and desire (for improvement).

This concept of desire is described in the book as a concept considered by other religions for their suffering. So again with the understanding of someone, like myself, being sick that I have a desire to run etc and this desire for a better existence therefore is a double edged sword often as a reminder of what you or I can not do. This then results in a person that could believe because of a negative thoughts of desire that they are suffering.

This concept has never occurred to me but has had me thinking for a few days now. This would also "fill" in the previous "controversial" statement written above.

A women who is tragically grieving over the loss of her child is only doing so because they have a desire to be reunited with that child and therefore is being reminded of their loss and is currently suffering. It is still a difficult concept to take in though!

However, when I think about it, it does make sense. When I was at University there was a Girl in a motorised wheelchair who use to run people over, especially when she was drunk. She hated her life, her situation and was often moaning or upset. She felt she was suffering. She had the same illness as myself, yet a different strand, so the onset was earlier for her. Many people use to question why I wasn't acting the same as her, even now 12 years on and a deterioration of my illness I still get asked that question. Why am I not bitter about it? Well I am a little bit, but I have been given a hand that I was dealt with, I better see how far I can get in the game with it. That has 95% of the time been my attitude, and I definitely do not feel like I suffer!

So is the desire less for me here, and therefore I don't think I suffer in this way?

This reminded me of the different types of sin that exists.

1: Original Sin, created with Adam and Eve breaking the trust with God.

2: Our own active free will allowing us to make sinful decisions.

3: Indirect sin, Sin that someone else commits that has indirectly affected you. (For example a drink driver is committing the sin here, but their actions could result in someone being injured)

Could then Suffering be deemed in the the same way?:

1:Suffering that has existed for generations, like genetic illnesses that get passed along.

2: Our own suffering where desire plays a part to remind us that we are suffering in reflection of what we are missing.

3: Unexplained suffering, almost original suffering like original sin.

I suppose this book so far has explored and tried to cover the concepts of options 1 and 2, but with the opening chapter raising the point that I mentioned at the top, could original suffering be in place if God loved us? I don't have the answers, but have many a view point that I believe keeps me going from day to day.

Anyway, that is probably enough to get you thinking!

Really would appreciate your views on this, so please either leave a comment here or on the social network page that you may have read this from!

40 a day!

I heard the sentence this morning "40 a day is a shocking statistic"

The first thing that came to mind was smoking for me. My Dad smokes 30 a day, when I smoked (before I gave up) I would have smoked 15-20 a day. So to hear 40 a day, it just seemed a statistic for the average smoker, nowadays, which however sad, wasn't something that I was overly concerned with, I just assumed it was something in this current climate.


But before I turned over the channel the rest of the sentence saddened me even more so.


"I am in complete shock that 40 children a day are voluntarily given in to care in the UK."


This was even more of a shock, something that hit a personal place in my heart.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7843200.stm

This link shows a news report that suggests that 40 children a day are voluntarily put into care. In the report it looks upon the statistic that realistically the increase is due to the amount of troubled and uncontrollable teens.

However the statistic is spun for the reader I still found this a shocking amount and on a personal level it really rattled a few emotions up that I had buried.

At the age of 4 months I was put in to care and voluntarily given up. I stayed in care for a year and then although was replaced into a new family of care, after a few months this family eventually became my adoptive parents.

My circumstances I am sure are common for many that are put up into care, but it still was a sad situation.

My birth mother, unmarried, was dating my birth father, but on the soon arrival of me she was in the act of "relations" with another man, this act, although owned up to, was the reason why my late teenage parents separated. My mother ended up being in a relationship with another man, whose family is often then entangled up later on in the family and siblings web of history!

This new partner, although friends with my father, had abused me several times, with my mother often walking to his or back home at silly hours in the morning with me not dressed, the police and social services soon got involved. Putting her in a protected home for young mothers, we would assume that she would have got the support to care for me the way she should, but alas, she continued to see and choose her new partner over me, with him not wanting anything to do with another mans child, I was soon abandoned at the mothers home and voluntarily put into care.

From reading social reports and a variety of adoptive records of that time regarding my adoption, i can see that it was the best choice, she was mentally unprepared to be a mother, and although many people say that the natural instinct to be a parent comes, for her it didn't. These are always sad circumstances, of which I can see that the best outcome has availed.

In care, my abuse was increased and without going into too much details I was subject to a lot of things that a young child shouldn't have been exposed to.

When children are abused and then subsequently put into care we can so quickly justify that the child will have a better life outside of the birth family home.

I am a prime example of this, my life has been brilliant (regardless of health) I have been brought up into a loving family and because of this I have been privileged.

But reading the link that these parents just didn't know how to deal with troubled teens that they decided to call the social services to "deal" with the child, I really don't know how I feel about it, to be honest I feel quite angry.

I chose to have my children, whatever the circumstances, the decision was made and because of it these children are my responsibility to bring up and show what is right or wrong. Then therefore to deal with if they "run of the rails"

I am not judging these parents because I don't know the ins and outs of their circumstances, but the statistics on the facts that it is down to the teens being "troubled" troubles and angers me.

But is this something new? something that society has lead to?

In the Bible you see the example that Moses was hidden (for his protection) and then collected by the Pharaohs Daughter, and when he was older he was adopted. But when Moses grew up we see in Exodus 2:15 we see that even though Moses has been adopted into the family, he is not what the family expected, he runs off the royal tracks and starts to misbehave. (OK, he kills somebody) the Pharaoh, his adoptive grandfather not investigating just put an order out to kill Moses. Poor Moses has now been abandoned twice.

In 1 Kings 11 we see another case of a family leaving a child and the child boy Hadad being brought up by the Pharaoh of the day.

We see in Esther 2 that Mordecai had adopted his cousin who was parent less (unknown reasons)

In the Roman culture we see that Usually a man without natural offspring would adopt male as son. Seldom an infant. Young men sometimes adopted out of slavery; redeemed from such into privilege of son. We are also aware that Natural fathers sometimes "sold" a son to adoptive father.

Point to early questionable Roman practise of natural father "setting a goal" for his son, who then could reach that goal at age 14, 18 or 21 and be "placed as an adult son" into manhood. They emphasise that "adoption" is not the "making of a son," but the "placing of a son." God, the Father's, "longed-for goal" for Christians is that we be "conformed to the image of His Son" (Rom. 8:29).

So we can see that the practise of adoption and putting children into care of others has been around thousands of years. But it is in the last part that I raise the point that I think is wrong. In Roman tradition they would have a goal, target or expectation to set for the child, the "longed for goal" Do we still have these goals today? Of course we do, and I personally wonder if because of this are we still following the same practise? We are setting children longed for inherited goals and when the child doesn't meet them, and in some cases go completely opposite to them we see them as troubled, instead of sitting and managing the problem, we pass it off to someone else.

I have a happy ending to my adoptive story in care. But there is two things I want to mention, the first is that after my adoption, my birth mother has three more children, and my birth father another one, between them both my four siblings all at some point ended up into care, all at different ages. The sad truth here is that the same mistakes were made over and over again, each time the child wasn't being met with a caring and productive up bringing that unfortuantely meant that they led into care. For some of them, they were still in care by the age of 12 and the likelihood that they were adopted would dwindle, all because they were too much hard work and trouble for the parents.
My second point is an experience as a teacher: I once taught a young child who was in foster care, unaware at the time that they were we chatted about parents. (I was completely unaware or I would have avoided it) This young child told me their circumstances that their parents didn't want them anymore because they were trouble, the more I eventually investigated into this child I found that they were basically telling me the truth. I came home that day devastated, because they said said "hey ho, I'm not like the others, I'm too old to be wanted by others" This child, in the time that I taught them was one of the brightest and lovely children I have ever met, with realistically a little cheekiness to them that really was a character trait not a flaw.

I thought that this child was a one off, that I was relating to them because of my personal experiences, what is sad for me is that they were not a one off. Apparently 40 a day! 14,500 children a year are put into care voluntarily.

It is just sad and I pray for them all.

Drinking

I am teetotal.

I stopped drinking on New years day after a friend decided to stop and asked for support along the way.

Drinking is something that I struggle with, some would even say that I was an alcoholic. I would drink everyday, usually at least 3 cans of Fosters a day sometimes up to 6 cans a day, along with this I would also drink a couple of bottles of wine to myself. This is incredibly excessive drinking.

It has always been justified by myself and others around me. I have a happy world of people who enable me.

My health problems cause me to have a lot of muscle pain, due to this pain it is often difficult for me to sleep, with most painkillers being quite useless when trying to take away some of the deep ache that my muscles have.

I also seem to get myself in lots of situations, which are often funny and is often at the centre of most of my social life's and friends jokes.

A friend of mine Hollie moved in with me a few years back, after becoming friends with Candy at University.

Candy would be at work, Hollie and I would crack open a bottle of wine, and  enjoy the evening. This one evening, we opened a bottle of red and had the music on whilst we danced or "wicked" around the front room, Hollie soon knocked over a glass of red, going over the wood floor. This and with me being the least steady on my feet there was a moment when I almost went flying. We joked that it would have been amusing for Candy to come home and find me laying on the floor, with an apparent red liquid leaking underneath me. What would have Candy assumed had happened?

On one of my many drinking nights out with my cousin Darren, we had a "few" too many drinks. When we knew this would be the case, Candy would set up the sofa bed in the front room for me (we never slept in the same bed if I was drinking)

I came into the bungalow and went flying onto the floor, Darren in a similar drunken state tried to help me up, but alas he couldn't. Now looking back I can't remember whose brilliant idea it was to drag me along the wood floor to the sofa bed, but whoever it was the action started. Darren pulling me along whilst I try my hardest to keep still to make it as easy for him as possible. One problem started to occur, Friction, the more Darren pulled the more my jeans went down, and slowly my underwear with it. Now this being the case, Dareen stops and tries to help the jeans go back up, whilst I tried to pull my underwear up. Now you have to use your imagination here, there are two men, one on the floor with his jeans around his ankles and pants going in the same direction. The other man is bent and buckled over with what can only be seen as him having a grip on these jeans. Got the image in your mind? At this point Candy comes out of the bedroom, takes one look at me and Darren and say "Do you two want to be alone?"
OK, we laugh about it now, but you get my point, I often, very often, find myself in situations that I later regret, even if they are funny afterwards.

I am almost 30, yet just before the New Year I found myself in a similar situation, it was another one of embarrassment that I am sure we will laugh about later on in life. But for me it was enough. I shouldn't keep getting myself into these situations, and they happen a lot, not because of the excessive drinking but also because of my health, I need to start being more responsible, but with an ever changing illness it is difficult to learn what my body can and cannot take with alcohol.

So when my friend Sean offered this no drinking pack, a promise to stop for God, it seemed right, right for the time.

I am finding it ever so difficult though. Most of the time it is probably just a habitual thing, I often find when Eastenders starts that I am reaching across for a drink (but then it is Eastenders, who doesn't reach across for a drink?) or with dinner I suddenly realise I am missing the companion I have got with dinner. Then I go to bed, the laying there, the feeling I have. And it isn't a emotional feeling, it is the fact that I am feeling, I can feel my legs, the pain and ache in them.

A few things have come about from stopping that I thought I would share.

Headaches.
I have been getting more headaches since I stopped drinking. I can only put this down to two things, one the amount of fluid that is going into my body. I would assume that even with alcohol that I am still inputting more liquid into my body than I possibly am now. Dehydration is still hydration and will always affect you in someway. So I will see if I can just drink more, and see if this helps. Also the Sugar level. There is a lot of sugar in alcohol and because of that, with the amount of drinking that I did one would assume that my body is missing a lot of sugar intake. (Although I am not sure if this will help my headaches)

Sugar
I know I just mentioned it, but I crave sugary things. This is rare for me, because I don't eat cake, chocolate or biscuits, but I am craving them now, craving an extra sugar in my coffee. But I wont supplement one thing for another, so I am trying to balance what I eat but at the same time i am not allowing sugar or sugary treats to replace the drinking.

Weight loss.
I seem to have dropped weight in some places, around my stomach and around my face. It may have been only two weeks, but I didn't realise how much calories I must have been putting into my body with the amount of drinking I was doing.

So, that's about it really, yes it is hard, yes I am struggling, but I will try to persevere because I know in the long run it will benefit me, I will try to keep you informed of whats going on or what thoughts I have about it, but in the meantime, keep me in your thoughts or prayers and I know it sounds silly but encouragement goes a long way, especially if I am having a weaker day.

Thinking or meditating? Bad or Good?

I was asked by a friend if I wanted to help him, and support him, this year and give up alcohol with him. I drink quite heavily, I use it to help me sleep as I get quite a lot of sore muscles at night and the alcohol relaxes me enough to sleep. I thinking i was drinking too much last year gave it up for lent and lasted the 40days and nights, not even allowing the so called "Sunday allowance" So, obviously giving it up for longer will be harder, but worth a challenge as the drinking has been bothering me again.

I'm 6 days in and finding it hard! I sit in the evening and the thoughts of drinking comes into my mind. And the distraction technique of praying, reading the Bible or trying to recite something you have read earlier is just about working.

But it got me thinking last night. How often do you just think?

I think to much, I get so many negative thoughts in my mind.

I have been thinking about meditation, I try so hard to think and meditate on the positive things, but the bad jumps back in.
I know where these bad thoughts are coming from and I even try to push them down, often pleading to God not to allow these thoughts to be happening.

But then I get a good thought, which I am thankful to God for, but it is keeping hold of it.

But is that the point? Is it meant to be difficult? I spoke earlier in 2011 about life being a war, and then how often we are caught up in the spiritual warfare. I concentrated on the concept that its bigger than we know. But it is often also the little thoughts that are hitting away at us that can make the battle hard, wearing us down slowly.

2 Corinthians 10v4-5

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.So really we can fight the negative thoughts that we have enter our minds, but it just isn't that easy. Or at least I don't find it that easy.

It doesn't take me that long to be thinking negative things, putting myself down and then entering a spiral of self hate, and hate of others. But I don't want to be that way. I want to be better, I want to be more Christ like, I want to fight.

I find it easier to hold on to the negative things people say to me or about me, rather than the good. So why on earth am I meditating on the bad rather than the good? But it captures me so easily. Even when I pray and ask God for help when I realise that I am doing it (Most of the time I don't realise it until I'm deeper into the thoughts, thinking of anger, sadness even at times revenge)

But God is aware how difficult the little things would be, how easy it if to fall.

In Proverbs 12v15-16 it warns us of such. The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.

The strange thing is that I know i am valued and I know that I am loved. I just forget it, mainly because I don't value myself. As the saying goes "One mans rubbish is another mans treasure"

How right is that, of course I think little of myself, I only think in little terms, can rarely see in big terms, and that is why the little thoughts are the ones that bother me. But the truth is that God sees in big terms, He sees me in big terms, and although I think I am rubbish and rubbish for God, that He sees a treasure. Why else would He send Jesus to die for us?

He wants us to be the best we can be for Him.
But I know this, you know this, but I still struggle, I would hope many of you still struggle, like I do.

I need to quit wishing that things were different, that I am different, then these thoughts wouldn't be so easy to creep in.

In Daniel 4v35 it says
All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?"

God doesn't see us as nothing, God sees the bigger picture and sees the good in us, even when we can't see it.But how often do we do the last bit, and ask why? Why are these things happening? Why am i sick? Why didn't I get that job or interview? Why did that person die?

These whys are valid questions, but often hanging on and even asking these questions can get other negative connotations attached to you thoughts. Don't pray to God asking Why. Trust Him more. Don't be confused, mentally searching for the right thing, the thing that is right or real, as often this is what is making you realise what is wrong and fake, and again these are the things that attach to our thoughts, that expand like a negative balloon.

So, how do I get out of the negative cycle?

I honestly don't know. I don't have all the answers, but I am not going to ask why, because I will just try and trust. I will try to meditate and let the positive things expand more in my mind, of course holding on to the good for as long as you can will help. Letting the light burn bright for as long as you can will help keep the darkness away. But I will also try to better myself, by having a better relationship with God, experiencing Him will only mean experiencing His love. But only by changing things that will allow this better relationship. I will try to value myself more, not worry so much, try to get some balance in my life, not to work too much, to give myself a break. I will make sure I have boundaries around me, with a good gate to allow the good in, but to keep out the bad, the people who help the negative thoughts come in, who honestly do not care for you in a way that they should.

I was told my a (differnt) friend (also my vicar) that sometimes you need to make sure your well is being filled by God, if you are constantly giving. I will try to do that, let God fill me more rather than having an empty well that can be filled by rubbish that God doesn't want in me.

Are you sleeping comfortably?

I came a cross a really interesting article that I thought I would share with you.

How often do we moan about sleeping? I often see many Facebook status' saying that people haven't slept well or that they just are not sleeping. Don't get me wrong I am just as bad, and will often do the same.

So what is our obsession with sleeping well?

I use to think it was down to the commitment that we have, commitment to be a parent; you're up all day running around after your children, is tiring, you need to sleep well to manage it the next day. Or take work as an example, working 10-12 hours a day and then again knowing that you have to do the same tomorrow on limited sleep is a nightmare!

What if then you work part-time and you're a parent and a husband/wife and you have other duties on top. Well, I am sure we can at some point relate to that.

So, is sleeping well a modern thing?

It must be, we all go out and make sure we buy comfy mattresses, which usually suit our life style, be it hard mattresses, soft, body shaping or even the latest spring memory foamed. With all this modern advances we must be counter reacting to the normal life style that we are creating for ourselves, could even say living comfortably to our means and lifestyle.

Realistically, thousands of years ago, people weren't sleeping on mattresses before they went out and worked on the field or cared for their family!

Or so we would have thought!

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/11/111208-oldest-mattress-africa-archaeology-science/

According to this article a 77,000 year old Mattress has been discovered, showing that they cleverly worked out specific layers of plants and materials to for a 12 inch (30 cm) mattress to sleep on and to top it off, they were also concerned about bedbugs!! As it appears the top layers were specific plants that kept away Ants, flies and mosquitoes  (and I would assume other bugs)

It really isn't a surprise though when you think about how many animals build nests, even some closer related species like chimps and gorillas who build nests for sleeping comforts. But still, reading the article still impressed me.

It really got me thinking how in some ways our long lost ancestors must have dreamt of a good night sleep just as much as we do! And they survived to hunt and fish another day, then so shall we!!

Now stop hogging my Mammoth blanket and let me get some sleep!