I am.......

I wrote a blog yesterday regarding who we are. Trying to identify the characteristic of who we are, examining the question "who am I?"

The last part I posted a question, a test for you to challenge yourself with. Think of a character from fictional literature and the first one you think of examine and see if they highlight who you currently are.

When I heard this the first time I automatically thought of Bigwig from watership down. I love the story, and if I am honest read it a few times a year, but thinking of the character I would have thought I wanted to be like Hazel.

Hazel, is a natural leader, who has foresight into his wrongs and mistakes, pushes forward with foresight. He is gentle and it is said that he is slender and not a born fighter, therefore wouldn't have joined the Owsla and would have never been seen as a leader, even if it was put upon him. He is the type of character that I would have like to have seen to be. So why did Bigwig pop up first?

After hearing this, I'll be honest i didn't examine the thought of Bigwig, however a few things changed for me a few months on.

Shortly after the summer conference I lost my mother, it was a devastating blow for someone who doesn't mind saying he was a self proclaimed mummies boy. Following this, my depression flared and with a combination of other outside influences, I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I don't particularly want to go in to that now, but feel that at some point I will discuss it.

Whilst being in hospital it was advised i try and do a few things that make me happy and comfortable to help my recovery. Dad brought my copy of watership down in, my drawing pad and pencils and a few keepsakes of mine. After the staff saw my drawings they signed me up for art therapy, with some background in the topic they decided that individual sessions would benefit.

Within the therapy, I was asked if I am currently reading anything, obviously I told them watership down. I was asked to draw a rabbit as my first process.

Starting with the outline and a few bit of footing within the picture, my drawing was taking shape. I discussed the fact that I had the challenge in the summer and came up with Bigwig, so my fragment shape of a rabbit would become Bigwig.

During the session we wrote things that I saw myself as and then had to look up the characteristics of Bigwig, this is what I found:

Bigwig was a large and strong rabbit known for the tuft of hair on his head. His lapine name is 'Thlayli' which, translated literally, means 'fur-head'. He was part of the Sandleford Owsla with his friend Silver. Because of his stubborn nature Hazel hesitated at first to bring him along, thinking Bigwig might be a bully and trouble maker. Luckily for all Bigwig left with them anyway and proved to be one of the most valuable members of the party. Bigwig is notably the strongest of the Sandleford rabbits and an accomplished fighter. He survives two normally fatal situations, being snared in Cowslip's Warren and a brutal fight with General Woundwort, and is very brave.
Along with his strength Bigwig has a short temper, especially for those who question authority he condones such as when Hawkbit, Acorn and Speedwell threaten Hazel's authority. Despite that he is not blind concerning those in power, he knows well enough when it is time to leave the Sandleford Warren and would never submit to the authority of a tyrant such as Woundwort.
Bigwig is one of the more superstitious rabbits. He values stories and is irritated by Cowslip's Warrens dismissal of them. He also curses General Woundwort in El-ahrairah's name. Despite this he initially was very cynical of Fiver's visions, especially in Cowslip's Warren. His encounter with the snare changed his mind, however, and for the rest of the novel Bigwig is a believer.
Bigwig forms the closest relationship with the gull Kehaar.

There were so many characteristics that i had in common here. Even the negative ones of being stubborn and dismissal of the things that I don't understand.

Without really realising it my drawing showed much of this, even before we read this information. The scares that he would wear, his stern look etc.

The therapist showed me that one of the reasons that I drew the scars and marks, showed that I had drawn a "completed" Bigwig, a bigwig that would have appeared at the end of the story. This showed that all the characteristics that he had, that he had gained by going through trials of growth, made him a stronger better rabbit than what we saw at the beginning of the story. And maybe, just maybe, all the darkness that had happened to me made me stronger, even if I am carrying the scars visibly. I thought about this, and the affinity that I had for Bigwig grew more. He really became such a sense of comfort and reliability of hope for me.

So try the challenge, look at the character, write, draw or paint them. Explore them in a personal way, through that discover who you are, especially if you are having a dark time of it, it might, like it did with me, give a little bit of hope to the coming light.

For me though, I now know I am Bigwig.