Day 14 Worst case fear

Today I have decided to take a different tact with things.

I, as you all know, have been looking for the last 14 days at self reflection and showing acts of Love.

But in that time I have had soem bad days, with odd situations. With my Dpd I can struggle with certain aspects, and it is quite common for me to struggle a few days a month anyway, mainly situations can affect things. But after talking to my aunt and uncle last night and then chatting to a friend it, as often is the case, got me thinking and processing whilst laying in bed. I am in the next few posts going to concentrate on fear.

I feel that it works quite well in the thread of posts that I have written as fear is often the thing that change us outwardly, affecting our decisons.

My uncle expressed to me a fear, and although I am not overly sure if he new it was a fear, but you could see that it affected him.

Since having an operation he has been prone to feeling shakey, wobberling and experiencing falls. I could see why he wanted to discuss this. For the last 16 years there is barely a day that I can remember where I havent wobbled, shaked or fallen due to my physical health. Its a horrible feeling, because you never really know when that is going to heppen. Yet in those 16 years I have become an aged man of war. Some days living in fear of a fall and others fighting and winning against that fear.

When I was 13 and started falling expereincing what now seems so minor in respect of my current health, no one believed me. Not even my mum, she never really understood. When we visited Cardiff on holiday the that was gripping me spread to her. On crossing a road, my leg gave way and i fell, being low down and out of sight, the bus driver couldnt see me. Lucky looking back at it that so much good was happening, the bus driver had just stopped so didnt have that much power behind his driving. But all I remember is being on the floor after falling, turning and seeing the bus and my mum running towards me trying to wave at teh bus to stop. On breaking the bus drivers reactions were a second to slow. And from what I was told in hospital after is that the bus hit me.

That haunted my mum and I for years. Being overly caustious about most things, my mum became wary warning me of things that she had spotted miles off and telling me to be careful. I on the other hand didnt want that fear to follow me. But even to this day, the fear of falling and doing more damage to myself really gets to me.

Yet the inccident with the Bus was purely an accident, and yes although I might fall often that doesnt mean that I am always in danger from it. Why do i, and we I would hope, live in fear of the worst case scenario? Isnt that clearly a shackle that would stain and hold on to us?

I am sure that the accident with the bus was just an accident, but my mind, I am sure like yours plays on it,  and although our fears can motivate us, we should be wary that we're not living in them.

If I said to you that I was worried about falling because everytime I fall I am scared that a giant giraffe is going to poke his head around the corner and come and lick me, whilst the monkey on his back hits me with an unmbrella. You would say that my fear was ridiculous and and that it isnt a reason to hold on to it.

So why do we see women in there mid thirties worried that their body clock is ticking away and they wont get a chance to be a parent. Or  a man living day to day in fear that he is going to lose his job and he wont be able to support his family?

There are many things that can happen, there are hundreds of jobs out there if that man wanted to support his family. There are ways of becoming a parent without fearing a bodily time clock.

Sometimes we need to remember that it is our duty to counter fight our fears, like pulling back the curtains and facing the day outside. In doing so I believe that we can make correct decisions that can release our shackles. Like vampires, shedding light on our fears will burn them away when dealt with correctly.

Whatever our fear; finacial, work, relationships, professional, being a parent or safety, call them out, shed some light on them. In the Gospels we see that Jesus discusses situations with the disciples. Do we do this, do we share out fears? If a fear is grabbing us are we sharing it with other? Helping to shed some light on it.

Seeing my uncle last night discuss his falling made my heart go out. I knew that fear, but it took me many years to allow myself to talk about that. My uncle looked at me as a circle of companionship (like Jesus and the disciples) and shared his worry. In doing so we spoke a while about different aspects of it, hopefully shedding some light on it.

Just dont allow fear to attack us by the worse case scenario.

And if you see me panicking in the highstreet when I've fallen over, then run, the giraffe and monkey are coming!